OK, so my Latin is not the... best, but I do know that 'Mary', Latinified, is Mavis, and that Mary means "rebel", and that somehow, God has been poking fun, in a literal sense, at the whole Christian shebang as far as I am concerned, because MY mother is called Mavis, and I guess the 'ave maria' that He has been pouring into my head every single incident is the Latin for the greeting the angel made to the maid, "Mary": "hail Mary"...!
Ah well, God's sense of deliberate distortion of core values of people by just tweaking them a little aside, aside, [get THAT!], I have to say I was a bit put out yesterday by a stunt He pulled on me as I was winding down my last post.
I froze, and my memory just left, and, to show me that it was NOT the holy spirit responsible, God gave me a trademark pat on the shoulder, and I wondered, as usual, WTF?.
I may as well admit now that earlier that morning, [yesterday], after tears of frustration, I had said to God that everything was His fault, that I was still here because when I asked him why I was still around after michelle asked ME why I was still around, He had told me to tell you... or them... same thing... the source of the cloud that does not bear water, and here I was, months on, everybody enjoying themselves, and I am...suffering, made responsible for something i did not even care about, and now, He had assured me that if i was truthful I would never be ashamed, but fuck it, NOTHING was changing, and Nicky? and crew regarded me as someone too loose in the head to even be taken seriously, at which I had concluded, well, God, FUCK this, I wash my hands of them all... if YOU want them, then You take them for Yourself, I will have nothing to do with them, or with Your promises which NEVER materialise, and which always call for adjustments!
I mean, Fuck it, I do not even WANT these women, I forsee a great deal of headaches in the way, and now I am STUCK here and You are responsible, but then YOU never put Yourself in harm's way, and You have cut off every avenue of escape for me, and now I am making out as if I can not live without any of them when in effect I am trying to find a way NOT to kill the bitches, if they even showed up near me.
And there was more in that vein, till I fell asleep, and God woke me up with the song's lyrics that I described yesterday, and I was forced to concede that, OK, His habit of ignoring everything I try to do to worm my way out of His grasp aside; or even taken into consideration;-- I really LOVE God.
this life is so crazy that I can not but stand back and wonder just what He will do next! Of course, it loses some of the glamour when i realise i am always in a live-fire incident, without armour, and usually without any aid but for the fact that ... God SAID.
So, anyway, I was about to include... one more... after the final five [of which I had NOT meant to include the girl with the pram because, although she seemed to have breathed laughing gas the moment she saw me and couldn't help smiling, I was not so sure about her being single because she had this tall similarly blonde guy walk up to her and they started talking, although without the touchy-feely possessiveness of people who are... feeling each other out] when I could NOT for the life of me ... remember, who it was.
Then, as God assured me it was HIM interfering, I started wondering why He had not let me say something about the girl whom I had mentally... rebuked, when she showed up with her kid and... angered me, just outside Fish-Hoek library.
Till even slow-to-admit me had to see that, the girl had clearly, like michelle, everytime wanted to shove her son forward even when she was... trying to get my attention.
She was not interested in ME, she wanted someone to look after her son, period, and, like michelle [those I hate get lower case, even for names] had made up her mind I was the ideal candidate for the job, and probably concluded that I would be... grateful... for any seconds I may get.
Come to think of it, on the day that michelle's daughter said she did not like me, and we all crowded into a car, and some guys at the back with us took the daughter and held her while i squeezed in beside michelle, she made a half-hearted attempt to pull her daughter off and tied to give her to me, which she stopped doing when she realised how ridiculous she was being, but i noted it all anyway...nuh, come to think of it, that was some days later, after the bitch had me going to church in an effort to talk to her because she had become very elusive, and all I wanted to do was to bring some kind of closure to all this as I hate church anyway, and wanted the story ironed out so we both would know where we stand... which would have been quite a difficult thing for the poor fool to grasp that as i looked at her i was busy searching myself and wondering, not whether i would ever hold her in my arms, but WHEN i would strangle her for continually insulting me.
i mean, do I have something like 'replacement dad' written on my forehead?
fuck it, I will probably just strangle her anyway!
Anyway, what impressed me AFTER all this was the fact that I relised that, as always, this small act of God in denying me the chance to include the myopic girl in my list was actually validation of the five that had met my... requirements, and so, I said to myself that things were looking up, now. It meant I could go, and so I was all night planning what to do.
like the fact than my mom so thoroughly begrudged me my life and yet.. raised me... that it would NOT be fair NOT to do a similar thing to her, which is why I will let the Zimbabwean Government grudgingly... look after her... or else.My dad as well. Had this annoying habit of tryint to starve us and saying he was doing it for our lives...
I want the white house thing to be quite impressive, so as to send a clear message to any hombres in ... charge... that I am in charge, so that they would look not only to their pockets but to MY affairs in order to keep their skins.
Then I will use the US funds to look after my sisters, and see to it that their last days are... comfortable... since i have already determined that come the end of my putting-my-house-in-order period, the only... living... beings in all creation will be me and a sprinkling of gorgeous women who would have taken my fancy... and I have set the number at 39, so that there will be only 40 creatures alive in all creation after less than nine years.
Well, someone could say that if that is the case then they have nothing to lose by disruptin my plans, but then do not forget:- jesus spoke of hell and paradise, and promised a thief that the same day he was dead he would be with him in paradise, so, hell exists, so, the difference is nine years alive, then total blankness, or a piece of hell. think about it!
