and the way things happened left me with no interest to sit in a train for upwards of an hour and all that to save money, and so, I came here, to the fish hoek internet cafe' and I am carrying on with my growing realisation that, unlike what I thought I wanted, it is NOT women that matter to me, but rather something else.
I am an unhappy person, and I remember when I was so... sure... that God had gone angry with me when I left University, and ended up as an apprentice boilermaker, and everyday was like... dry tears... because I literally wept inside at everything that was happening, like how I was struggling and trying to get myself 'sorted' by doing everything I did NOT want to do, and now my back was on fire, I was so stressed up it literally felt like I was carrying a ton on my back, and the grim truth was that I was so... lost... among people I could never even be considered... practical.
One time, when I was walking in Kwekwe during my time at the Poly, in 2003, before all this death-seeking business, when the Zanu (Pf) youths were staging roadblocks and I had just avoided one unknowingly by following a girl student who staid in a section in ... whatchimacallit?- [MBIZO, she was in Mbizo 12 and I was across the road in Mbizo 16ext.] ... near where I was myself staying, God visited me with such a heart-rending rendition of a song I had learned as a kid in church when my father still used to force everyone to go every sunday, to the methodist church, and the words were
Mwari anoziva nguva
achaita sekuda kwangu
Iye ondipa zororo
[my souls stop weeping
God knows the time
He will do as I ...will
And give me rest]
Actually, the song in the 'original' is not addressing the plural people's need, but one person's need, and so it is not, like above, "Hatina Musha Panyika", but "Handina Musha Panyika"
and the words are
Musha une runyararo
vafambi vachazorora
Dai ndine mapapiro
Ndaiuya ndizorore
[ My home has peacethe wanderers will rest
If I had wings
I would come and rest]
Mweya wangu chinyarara....
and the words are
Handina musha panyika
Handifari kuva pano
zvinofadza mweya wangu
kutsvaga musha unouya
kutsvaga musha unouya
[I have no home on earth
I am not happy to be here
It pleases my soul
To seek a home that is coming]
Handina musha panyika
Ndinoda musha urikure
Zita rawo i Zion
unopenya nguva dzose
[I have no home on earth
I NEED a home that is far away
Its name is Zion
It shines all the time]
Handifari kuva pano
zvinofadza mweya wangu
kutsvaga musha unouya
kutsvaga musha unouya
[I have no home on earth
I am not happy to be here
It pleases my soul
To seek a home that is coming]
Handina musha panyika
Ndinoda musha urikure
Zita rawo i Zion
unopenya nguva dzose
[I have no home on earth
I NEED a home that is far away
Its name is Zion
It shines all the time]
Musha une runyararo
vafambi vachazorora
Dai ndine mapapiro
Ndaiuya ndizorore
[ My home has peacethe wanderers will rest
If I had wings
I would come and rest]
Mweya wangu chinyarara....
And so, I was stunned when I heard God, with umistakable warmth, show me that indeed I was not far from Him.
Guess that was the first time I felt like crying on His shoulder, because fuck, hey, everything hurts, everything that I see here, everything that goes on around me, everything that IS, is like walking through a thorn field, and I am so... tired... of it all.
But even back then, God was an ... intruder... and so I was very skeptical, and afterwards, I went on a downward spiral of self-destruction, because it was inconceivable that God would care for me, and be ... interested ... in me.
Even today, when I came late to the library and had to seat waiting for station 6 to be free, and I was reading through a Star Wars book about Undiscovered lands and a doomed mission, it did not really sink in, till I was weeding the garden, and I asked myself what was ... up?
Because God shows up to jacob, and shows him what has become known as Jacob's ladder where He Himself is on top, but angels
Guess that was the first time I felt like crying on His shoulder, because fuck, hey, everything hurts, everything that I see here, everything that goes on around me, everything that IS, is like walking through a thorn field, and I am so... tired... of it all.
But even back then, God was an ... intruder... and so I was very skeptical, and afterwards, I went on a downward spiral of self-destruction, because it was inconceivable that God would care for me, and be ... interested ... in me.
Even today, when I came late to the library and had to seat waiting for station 6 to be free, and I was reading through a Star Wars book about Undiscovered lands and a doomed mission, it did not really sink in, till I was weeding the garden, and I asked myself what was ... up?
Because God shows up to jacob, and shows him what has become known as Jacob's ladder where He Himself is on top, but angels
are ascending and descending on the ladder, and the guy was being... told ... that he could in effect climb the ladder and be with God, but of course, as with everything to do with God, those to whom it is presented do not SEE, but those who do not see, perceive, and the guy did not see what God was saying, and it was only as I grasped the truth that, while I WILL NOT leave or turn my back on people as if they have MORE right than I do about being here -which means even at the end i WILL leave this planet... dead and devoid of all life- I do NOT have to remain here.
there are portals that allow someone to cross from one place to another, like jump space, and in the end, get to God Himself, see?
And, I suppose, after everything that IS here, I will be glad to finally see The Living God, although I assume that I will take some time getting there, what with having to design the spaceship and all that and also getting my mind away from the times when I was so... against God, and maybe learn to appreciate God, Whose friendship and unceasing love, which is something I always thought would be wasted, is at times the only thing keeping me alive.
I am weeping openly here, and I wish it could just happen, and ...
Oh, hell,
there are portals that allow someone to cross from one place to another, like jump space, and in the end, get to God Himself, see?
And, I suppose, after everything that IS here, I will be glad to finally see The Living God, although I assume that I will take some time getting there, what with having to design the spaceship and all that and also getting my mind away from the times when I was so... against God, and maybe learn to appreciate God, Whose friendship and unceasing love, which is something I always thought would be wasted, is at times the only thing keeping me alive.
I am weeping openly here, and I wish it could just happen, and ...
Oh, hell,
dai ndine mapapiro, ndaiuya ndizorore.
O man, O man...! I understand that I have to be... patient.. amd that I will be carrying with me similarly disadvantaged people, people who have no ... real home... here, and also, there is a thing about water being found only in one of two places;- earth and heaven, according to the bible, so I have to engineer some way to keep alive before then, and I am finding the ... challenge... exhilarating, yesssss!
Which reminds me, the twenty-one women are all to be identified by ONE thing mostly, and that is they are ALL unhappy with life, which is why they found it easy to 'hear' me, but when it comes to the five, I have no idea if they want me or the promise of life, because if it is the other thing, they may as well stay away from me, and maybe take up christ or something, because n my life, I have to be what they want, or nothing happens
Take these broken wings
I need Your hands to come
and heal me once again
So I can fly
till the end of time
Perhaps I was addicted to the dark side...
my attitude got me walking solo
right alone in my lo-lo
watching the whole world moving slo-mo.
So, of course, God has to keep on holding me up, here, so I can drag on a bit more, till the end of the time He alloted me!
I need Your hands to come
and heal me once again
So I can fly
till the end of time
Perhaps I was addicted to the dark side...
my attitude got me walking solo
right alone in my lo-lo
watching the whole world moving slo-mo.
So, of course, God has to keep on holding me up, here, so I can drag on a bit more, till the end of the time He alloted me!
