its a dirty job but i just love doing it!
Now, before we gets dangerous, all you silly fuckers, lets me say I had some time to really regurgitate everything and get down to the basics.
been living it up in my mind, discovering things about myself that I had not taken seriously... do you believe that all along i have never thought I would live to even see thirty, so, of course, it was kinda HARD to be serious about my life, see, or about anything, so I have been having to...acclimatize... myself to the fact that, despite my own leanings to the contrary, I am STUCK in this body, this life, and all the anger, frustration and ego trip that goes with being ... extraordinary.
Of course, the first thing to say is that I never asked for this, but well, from God's point of view that is just fine, because as He looks at it we are all MISTAKES anyway;- the first man should NEVER have allowed the holy spirit to put him down and make him want to be 'just like other animals', and, instead of a... 'presence', get instead a mate, and become a father.
Now that that is out of the way, it means I have wiped the slate clean as far as 'merit' is concerned, because this very same God, Who showed up and claimed me for Himself is concerned, nobody that is not 'worth the bother' as far as i am concerned... lives.
And I happen to always approach ANYTHING to do with God in this light:-
WTF NOW? YOU came into my life, unannounced,gave me no choice in the matter [I would have refused, of course] and now You want to TELL me what to do, and add on to the burden that Your being involved with me already has imposed?
Point?: God does not TELL me what to do, or order me about , it would not be...right! Because, as I discovered some time ago, it would make Him a...thief. Unstable, a make-ends-meet Fellow.
Which is why He advises me, or waits till I get bubbling over with frustration, and then asks me, like the other time:
Tell Me what you want from Me,
and everything is back to the..problem at hand.
See?Good!
Because, since I lay the blame for everything at God's door, I have my eye fixed on Him with more than a little jaundice, and I hate being in any way...inconvenienced... either by Him leaving me at the hands of people, or by Him sitting idly by while He could help me out of situations, or even by Him venturing help unasked.
Question: If I feel that way about God, how about with people?
Answer: Very, very intolerant.
So, I have sat down, thought things through and decided this one thing: I do not want to have to go back and murder my mother, which is why I have decided that these women who showed up and did the funny things to make me kinda look at them as though they could be more... diverting... than indulging in anger, since of course I would be telling God that, instead of wasting time all these years He may as well have let me do it anyway, instead of telling me that there was some...'president'... who had prepared a place for me.
these women are:
1) the girl form Glencairn Heights, with the golden hair and features like the...other lady... only white.
2) the other lady with Golden hair I met same day at the Fish Hoek Library.
3) The first 'use' I made of my prerogative:- the girl in black I wanted to see to see a different kind of ass- who showed up the day after, with the cleft chin and white, set hair.
4) The girl who felt me mentally explode when this other be-specked girl came and started behaving like a man, and soothed me by softly crooning on the phone...the blond chick with the cute ass and black clothes.
5)The girl with the book Shopaholic girl, who came to the beach and blew me over. I like that girl! Really! Which is why I do not want anyone LIKE her, just her.
6) The girl I forcefully called the day after I saw Nicky? [ now there is someone I hate, Nicky?, because she and Michelle and butt-head decided that, instead of confronting me about my e-mails, I had to be brought down to size, and again, the mistake made here was [and it is the holy spirit, fool that he is] assuming that if I saw her beauty I would take her, and thus, Michelle also, who is more under his control, since she has been since ten, and thus he could put me forever under his thumb] who came to the beach and after that stared at me so... directly that I was unnerved! I liked that, Would love to look her in the eye day after day, and lets face it, that ass!
7)The woman who smiled at me so sweetly, the chick at the Fish Hoek library with the white hair and blue eyes. Melted my heart she did!
8) The diving lady who had that incredible waist and flared hips. Well, who needs more illustration
9)The girl with the smile which made me wonder just who had earned such a brilliant acceptance!
Well, as you can see, the women are NOT ten, because of... alterations...which as far as I am concerned, is GOOD.
Then there are women who have impressed me because they are NOT prone to act like Michelle, who only wanted some fool to look after her daughter...the fool being probably the angriest person to ever exist!
1)-2)Mother daughter combo: Nicky's mother and other daughter with the nice ass. ( about Nicky's mother...well I saw her yesterday, as she walked past, broken and sad, and funny enough I felt a stirring in my loins, and I thought to myself, fuck, I am NOT letting you go!)
3) The French girl with the nice legs, Allison
4) The small red-head who stays somewhere 'up there'. Saw her again today, and funny thing is this, while she seemed totally oblivious to me [OK, probably WAS], I got the sense that God was bringing her to me to see if I really just wanted to walk away, and when she passed me while I sat outside the internet cafe, waiting for the guy to open up, I said FINE, so be it!
5)The girl who bought the dragon and thanked me for telling her she was not arrogant like most Capetonians
6)The blonde chick who came with a pram, and smiled so fetchingly I wondered what SHE was high on.
7) The dutch girl, with her comforting words after she heard what I proposed to do.
8)The Jordanian girl Jumana Al-kury. Well she did not bad-mouth me when I told her I had made up my mind she would be mine.
9)-10) The German sisters that I met at the lodge as I ran away from my humiliation by butt-head: Anja and Lisa Lemoine, who also have not responded badly to my... whatever!
Of course, you can now see that these are the THREE and seven that God spoke of, and so, I will leave it as is, especially, as I said, I am keeping an eye on God to see if this will happen as I want.
Then, of course, because of my... ego, I have to have
1)Diane Kruger.
2)The waitress chick who looked a bit like Paula, only better... because of the holy spirit's imitation of God in telling me what I can and can not have.
3)The chick who looked so forlorn as she sat outside the restaurant and bit her nails as she stared at me like someone who had just seen something that made her forget her troubles, for a while.
4)The girl with the key ring thing, the one who was for a while number 37.
5) This other blonde chick who walked into the cafe the day I was busy trying to recall the features of this other blonde chick who let me stare at her... the day I got the boob show?... well she saw me staring at her in concentration and she smiled said, "hi, how are you", and sat down across from me...the other side, and she had a small sharp nose, and a friendly smile. Now her I can describe easily.
Now THESE are the women I have decided I want in my life, for ever, and of course, they could refuse, in which case i will not take it up with them, but with God, because I have no deep roots and one day is the same as one night, which means I will still be fucking angry anyway!
Now I want to be gone from this place! And NOTHING but an act of God will bring it to pass!
