Answer me this:- why would God decide to do things for me if I could do them for myself?
The Almighty God would NOT do that, because he knows the one thing that I ought to have realised if I was more... honest with myself:- it is NOT in me to set out to ... hurt... people, although I can not stand lies and pretence.
Fuck, when my mother wanted me dead, I would have gone with it, and when the same person would have been put at risk by my father wanting to beat her up, I went out of my way to learn to fight so that I could protect her, but I never thought I would have to actually DO it, and one of the biggest shocks of my life was, once i left home, finding myself beating up people at regular intervals.
That is NOT me. Today, I felt so completely dead inside, and wanted to just go somewhere and weep, because of the monster I have become.
Who, I asked myself, could ever love something like i have become, and who could ever be safe from a person so at war with himself that he did not know which side was up anymore.
O, man, O man, here I am, a person that left home wondering if there could be anyone to give me love, and yet knowing that somewhere, the line had already been crossed;- I assumed that I had less than 15 years of life left, and so, who could ever take the... dirt... that i was and see it as anything worth hugging?
life seemed such a joke, and when God started on with His silent ... support... I was really lost.
And today, there I am, walking with a guy back to kalk bay, and as we get to the harbour entrance I see the stunning chick in her Honda CRV driving out the entrance and she gets stuck up in the traffic jam, and by the time I walk to the olympia cafe, she is not yet out of her vehicle, and i guess i started breaking down at that time, because the... problem... I realised, was NOT her or anyone -yeah, true, I have things i can NOT stand that I KNOW would let the easily hurt beast out- but rather, it is me, the kid who has lost his way and can not find out if there is anything left to salvage of anything for me in this world, and I knew that i would never be able to be the unfeeling person that I have tried so... unsuccessfully ... to be.
I am still pretty sure that the people that I said would die will have to die, but NOT by my hand, because the reasons for their NOT having to live is the fact that I would never settle for ... rubbish... but hey, this is NOT about me wanting to hit and hurt people.
As song goes,
I guess
that now its time
for me to give up
...
God was right!
there exist people that have removed from me the... beast
And I can NOT stand to be a... liar anymore.
that now its time
for me to give up
...
God was right!
there exist people that have removed from me the... beast
And I can NOT stand to be a... liar anymore.
got a fist of pure emotion
got a head of shattered dreams
gotta leave it all behind now...
I am STILL the angriest person you will ever see, and my anger is STILL primarily against women, which is why you will find that there is more than one, so, let us NOT forget that as we look at this... new development
As I watched the movie trailer, what has been making less sense to me and more confusion is that I have two things tugging at me, and the violence I feel is something that I can NOT for some reason, unleash it against women and remain untwisted, but when it comes to men, I feel a righteness in unleashing the great ANGER that I am.
Fuck, I AM going to kill men, and everything that has crossed me that is male is doomed to die, because I LEARNT to fight to... be able to... defend... women, against males, and their violence towards women.
I am a woman protector, provided the women do NOT put me in a compromising situation, by being the type that I can NOT find myself 'not hurting'.
So, I guess, this is what I am, the PERSON God said would 'turn the hearts of fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest [He] come and smite the earth with a curse' and THE reason that is is that I have lived both extremes, seen the heartache as a ikd when my father would hit my mother, and I knew that everything he was doing was out of frustration because of sex, and the fact that both did NOT want to be involved with each other, and were basically lying to each other.
I have lost count of the number of times I just exploded when i saw a man beating a woman, most notably my near-lynching at redhill when I just dealt peremptory justice, before discovering that everyone expected women to be treated like dirt, even the women themselves.
That is why you will notice that among the women that I have 'acquired' are ladies who will, at the least notice, leave their kids, because they KNOW the truth, they have eyes that see, and they have grasped the simple truth that with me, they will be safe, because what they dread will never reach them when the GREATEST man in the world, the MIGHTIEST, the BADDEST, is around.THE IMMORTAL, THE CHAMPION, THE KING of the WORLD!
YESSS!
got a head of shattered dreams
gotta leave it all behind now...
You have no idea how it feels, when you have a ... secret shame... to see people who, knowing what you say you are, yet bother themselves over you, not because they want to crow over you, or want to use your despair against you by saddling you with THEIR burdens, but for some reason actually... care about your own opinion of them, and hey, I am NOT so stupid as to be... ungrateful... for such an... unbelievable... stroke of pure ... happiness, because I KNOW just how ...improbable... everything is.
And here I am, so... tired I do not know even how to walk upright anymore, and it has become a physical thing, and I wonder if there will ever be a change, and here I am, realising, incredibly that my... insulting these people was an inner sign that i was trying to block any chance of change in me, because it will NEVER happen that someone will actually want to be anywhere near me, if they could help it.
I am NOT talking about people like butt-head's mom,hey, listen to me, these people are the people that had me go so at God this afternoon, the five women, and i was busy telling Him to please let us forget it all and just acknowledge that all this is a wasted effort, but here i am still, wanting just the opposite.
Will these ladies be mine? Will they come to me, or am I doomed to just be an... unprotected flame, blowing in the wind, and at any time ready to be snuffed out? Especially as it turns out that even their relations, kids or whatever close associates, will NOT survive... me, but will be dead as surely as i will leave this country totally desolate? Or are they thinking still that this is all a joke, that maybe we should ... reason... together?
I hate talking, and I suppose the reason why IO am here doing all this printing is so that i NEVER have to raise my voice, because I KNOW that if i ever start... correcting... a person personally, and start criticising her, it will NOT end there, but will become physical:- I KNOW how it starts, and I have been there, and every time I have been violent I have torn myself up more and more that I know it will take a very long time to ever get over it, so, please, if you pity me, you women, do not let your pity blind you to the fact that despite my... disinclination... towards violence, it is like a drug that i am addicted to, and despite everything, i still expect total obedience to my... pre-requisites... or I will KILL you, because I can NOT bend for anyone. This is NOT a contest of wills;- I am the only person you will ever encounter who will not ... know... any other way than his own, and so, if you disagree with me, stay away, for your own safety and my own peace of mind, because I am so... weary... of wounding people.
And here I am, so... tired I do not know even how to walk upright anymore, and it has become a physical thing, and I wonder if there will ever be a change, and here I am, realising, incredibly that my... insulting these people was an inner sign that i was trying to block any chance of change in me, because it will NEVER happen that someone will actually want to be anywhere near me, if they could help it.
I am NOT talking about people like butt-head's mom,hey, listen to me, these people are the people that had me go so at God this afternoon, the five women, and i was busy telling Him to please let us forget it all and just acknowledge that all this is a wasted effort, but here i am still, wanting just the opposite.
Will these ladies be mine? Will they come to me, or am I doomed to just be an... unprotected flame, blowing in the wind, and at any time ready to be snuffed out? Especially as it turns out that even their relations, kids or whatever close associates, will NOT survive... me, but will be dead as surely as i will leave this country totally desolate? Or are they thinking still that this is all a joke, that maybe we should ... reason... together?
I hate talking, and I suppose the reason why IO am here doing all this printing is so that i NEVER have to raise my voice, because I KNOW that if i ever start... correcting... a person personally, and start criticising her, it will NOT end there, but will become physical:- I KNOW how it starts, and I have been there, and every time I have been violent I have torn myself up more and more that I know it will take a very long time to ever get over it, so, please, if you pity me, you women, do not let your pity blind you to the fact that despite my... disinclination... towards violence, it is like a drug that i am addicted to, and despite everything, i still expect total obedience to my... pre-requisites... or I will KILL you, because I can NOT bend for anyone. This is NOT a contest of wills;- I am the only person you will ever encounter who will not ... know... any other way than his own, and so, if you disagree with me, stay away, for your own safety and my own peace of mind, because I am so... weary... of wounding people.
I am STILL the angriest person you will ever see, and my anger is STILL primarily against women, which is why you will find that there is more than one, so, let us NOT forget that as we look at this... new development
Fuck, I AM going to kill men, and everything that has crossed me that is male is doomed to die, because I LEARNT to fight to... be able to... defend... women, against males, and their violence towards women.
I am a woman protector, provided the women do NOT put me in a compromising situation, by being the type that I can NOT find myself 'not hurting'.
So, I guess, this is what I am, the PERSON God said would 'turn the hearts of fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest [He] come and smite the earth with a curse' and THE reason that is is that I have lived both extremes, seen the heartache as a ikd when my father would hit my mother, and I knew that everything he was doing was out of frustration because of sex, and the fact that both did NOT want to be involved with each other, and were basically lying to each other.
I have lost count of the number of times I just exploded when i saw a man beating a woman, most notably my near-lynching at redhill when I just dealt peremptory justice, before discovering that everyone expected women to be treated like dirt, even the women themselves.
That is why you will notice that among the women that I have 'acquired' are ladies who will, at the least notice, leave their kids, because they KNOW the truth, they have eyes that see, and they have grasped the simple truth that with me, they will be safe, because what they dread will never reach them when the GREATEST man in the world, the MIGHTIEST, the BADDEST, is around.THE IMMORTAL, THE CHAMPION, THE KING of the WORLD!
YESSS!
YA-man
This are AKwe ready fir play it
this are AK gimme make me sway it
we are the ruffest
our style them are the tuffest
if are girls we have enuffest
and our girl them are the buffest
coz
we bust it up, yes
we no take shame 'bout no contest
them fi help me feel we success
coz we shed no tears, enuff said
In it fi the love not the money or the fame
WELL, THAT, at least is... clear, finally.This are AKwe ready fir play it
this are AK gimme make me sway it
we are the ruffest
our style them are the tuffest
if are girls we have enuffest
and our girl them are the buffest
coz
we bust it up, yes
we no take shame 'bout no contest
them fi help me feel we success
coz we shed no tears, enuff said
In it fi the love not the money or the fame
