SO, all this great heave-ho that I have been under was just so that I could say, "Ok, I am ready to live, and to leave, now", instead of just folding under and accepting things that I am so convinced will never get me off the ground to begin with.
God tells me, in His... impersonal/non-confrontational way... to stop wanting to die, to start wanting to live, and so, of course, to NOT keep suppressed what I want out in the open.
but I ask Him, 'yeah, You say all that, and how Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light, yet for all that You leave me in the hands of women that have their own opinions about just how things should be going, and who will sit back, fold their hands and expect anyone else but THEM to DO something, because of course, women do NOT come out in the open, they force men out into the open. And I refuse to do that. So there are five women that I ... find rather attractive... that, according to You, have been ... aware... of my... words, and, of course, the last one is one that You had to show me, through a vision, as having, by default decided that she would be... included... with me, but NOT if I had to deal with... prostitutes:- the blond chick in the kimono at the beach whose dog I kicked, with her angry curves, but hey, God, I am not interested in having to be loaded with their silly opinions about how I should behave, about how I should conduct myself before them,and as I stand here and now,I see NO reason why i should even think that ANY of them is worth the bother or should even be considered in my life, because NONE of them has impressed me, none of them has done anything to even make me want to have anything to do with her. So, am I going to be stuck here, doing nothing while fools like faggot-stina drive by as if i am just a word-merchant who will never go beyond mere hot air, and yet You tell me that I must embrace life?
With such rubbish to look forward to?
Fuck, they do NOT even see that whether or not they do anything, I will NEVER be interested in taking up the matter with them. YOU promised me that YOU had plans to give me a future and hope, and so if anything goes wrong, I will look at YOU, and ask YOU just what the fuck is the matter that You drag me all the way to the end of the world and then DO NOT give me any rest?
Am I supposed to think ANYTHING of them, these women who are aware of me, and so decide to spare their families because I 'owe' THEM for their deigning to let me, a nobody with no prospects, touch their cunts? FUCK, there will be NO such thing. I will , only if I am pleased, allow the individual women into my life, and only if I know that their behaviour is such that I will not, in the future keep on being bitter and so decide to show my bitterness towards them because of their actions;- I will let THEM live, with ME, but if their families, or whoever, crossed me, then that person i will kill, and make my vengeance plain to that one, and if the woman thinks that I am in the wrong, then let her not even bother coming near me:- I will NOT be questioned by 'failures', people that do not see what is plain before their eyes, assuming that there is a hidden message there that makes them somehow... invaluable, irreplaceable.
God, You deal with Your promises, and YOU deal with their mentalities, because i will not even look twice at any of them, I will wait in silence to... judge... them, and if I have to... wait for them to make up their minds, then I assure You that my heart and mind i will close off to them, and if I have to go looking for replacements myself even as I am moving about with those that gave me ... respect... then so be it:- You told me I could choose for myself what I wanted, so I decide NOW how things will be.
But, truly, if You fail me in this, then why did You ever bother with me to begin with;- so that You, the One Who Sees all things, could ... experiment with my life? When You know that i can not even stand up on my own, and if it was not that you have... closed... that door to me I would just lie down and die, and never wake up; just shut down on anything, because You know that I find everything in life too bitter to be borne.
O Father, must my way always be so grievous? Must I never know peace, nor rest?
Wandivengerei ko Sahwira wangu?
[why have you hated me, my Friend?] from a song by oliver mtukudzi
if i take it tell them they woulda say I lie
they woulda say I lie
them are watch me and damn this is a swine
say this is a swine
but certain things me nuh inna me nuh inna me nu inna
me nuh inna me nuh inna me nuh inna
me know 'bout fi benz and me know 'bout fi beemer
no dirty hand cant cook me dinner
certain things me nuh inna me nuh inna
me nuh inna me nuh inna me nuh inna
sense me inna to me brain no coke with cocaine inna
no morphine that me killer
they woulda say I lie
them are watch me and damn this is a swine
say this is a swine
but certain things me nuh inna me nuh inna me nu inna
me nuh inna me nuh inna me nuh inna
me know 'bout fi benz and me know 'bout fi beemer
no dirty hand cant cook me dinner
certain things me nuh inna me nuh inna
me nuh inna me nuh inna me nuh inna
sense me inna to me brain no coke with cocaine inna
no morphine that me killer
