One day, back in Zimbabwe, the stress of worrying about His intentions towards me was so immense I broke down and bawled like a baby, loud and unrepentant. I learnt one lesson that day; emotions do not change anything for me, because what I see remains the same no matter how I groan about it. I became pragmatic, especially after I realised that my bawling convinced my mom I was crazy, and solved nothing and left me feeling foolish for having exposed myself, because, of course, the idea was to shame myself to shame God into stopping being so ... inconsiderate and take better care of His "Best Friend".
Kind of like jesus' take on his mission, he ran as far as he could so he could force God to pursue him, but he was largely unsuccessful because God said, "I YHWH do not change", and so, after years of trying to force a change on The Immutable One, I have decided that I will stop trying to change.
Now that it no longer matters, now that she and all hers are as good as dead anyway because I have come awake to the fact that I am NOT going to save any of the lives of those who have angered me but destroy them, I may as well say that it would have been ... nice... for me to avoid bloodshed first time off with butt-head's mom because I can not get over her so easily. michelle I have despised on sight, but she did something... different, which is why I am still looking back over my shoulder sometimes. Where michelle hid like a thorn in the dung, she came out and she showed herself. Unfortunately she focused on the wrong thing, for instead of trying to influence ME to change my mind, she SHOULD have looked to her offspring to even ... [strange as this may seem, there was a time when it would have actually worked] apologise and changed THEIR ways and I would have shown restraint, and had my dignity re-built, but she instead showed herself off to me, which made me rather more than a little angry.
I have no idea what went on behind closed doors in her house, but the fact remains that by her actions she also despised me, ignored MY grievances and focused on diverting the path of my rage, which was akin to her saying that, basically, I am just mouthing off and should be calmed down like a silly child who cries at nothing and should just be humoured. In effect, she patronised me, and literally took me for a fool. THAT is pretty damning , especially as her actions were to an unforgiving person soon to be the be-all and end-all power over all the earth.
On the other hand, she... despised me... in a respectful manner, which is all I have to say in her defense, bestowing me more honour than anyone has ever, for a prolonged period, at least, done before. THAT is why I find it hard to just blast everything off.
Hence, even now, my indecision.
And I hate grey areas. If only she would insult me or something, if only she would do something that would confirm to me what she is REALLY thinking, because any act of hers now I would put under an electron microscope till I have even the tiniest details of it scrutinised. If only she would show her true colours. Fuck, SHE is the biggest enigma in this whole mess!
