"... and hearing you will hear but not understand. Make thehearts of this people calloused..."

When I saw the movie Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith I never thought I would get to... resonate with the anger of the dark Lord Darth Vader as he literally crumbled his first suit of armour when he was told his rage had destroyed his wife and unborn 'child', but yesterday, I found myself so much in the grip of such devastating and ... bleak... rage that I was not surprised that I founf myself in instant 'God life support' and since yesterday I have not been 'in control' of the situation.I was part way through a re-reading of the Belgariad Book; Magician's Gambit, and had gotten to the part where the future king first used his latent power to cause a stillborn horse to live, when it somehow just... upset... me and i left and went to kalk bay, and, since I had been told there would be some ... work... for me if i wanted it, I decided to go to my cousin's 'friend', Abisha, and his elder brother, vincent, who ave their market outside this restaurant beside the olympia deli, where most of my recent... adventures have been taking place. There was not musch to do since abisha was waiting for his brother to come back with some wire, and I spent some time just enjoying the scenery, and that was when the contemporary art chick decided to walk past, going to kalk bay harbour, presumably, and i could sense the ... relief pouring out of her, that I had said that I was not in the mind to... kill... either her or allison.
i was wandering about the horse story, and I was trying to put things into perspective, when she came back, walking and talking with this guy, and she was so... relaxed and carefree I wondered if she would always so... overlook me.
And the rage started building up.
and if i had slept in the mountains as usual she would be back on my list of the soon-to-be-dead, but first, I reasoned that I could take only the twenty-five and kill everyone else, and just wait out my time, but then, i have NOT changed that much, in fact I have not changed at all, and i knew I would never do anything simply to prove myself right, but rather if there was something I could gain from it, and so, the prospect of getting more... acceptable... women made me re-think, and decide that, OK, maybe I would take the 25, go to the US and then get more after wards, but leaving the art chick was out of the question, because I had to deal with her, one way or the other.
Ok, so I do NOT kill people, but then, letting michelle, butt-head, faggot face or nicky? or even butt-head's mother just ... die... after repeatedly irritating me was also OUT of the question, and once I kill anyone, I would have to kill everyone, and so, then I will have to KILL people, and find some way to make sure I did something even if i knew that having to lay hands on someone who had shown such unfeigned interest in me would destroy a part of me, somehow, because indeed there is in me a need for just that kind of independent attachment from a woman.
yet, she showed not even the least awareness that she had just literally spit in my face by letting her relief cloud her to the awareness that she is under my spotlight, and that anyone who thinks she means anything to me and then does something as irritating as not distinguishing between me and any other male, but decides that somehow i must ... carry... the burden of her 'affection', like it is NOT her that is reponsible for her own actions; well, that person is in grave, serious, danger.
because, like God said, 'Who is MY equal, to whom will you compare Me?', and yet she did not even think tiwce, her being, as far as I am concerned, married, and still not getting it that I am already mad at her about that, that if it was not for God steering then i would literally strangle her JUST for that, and yet she still piles up dirt on dirt, like I am not a person whose pride matters more to him than all the sacrifices that nayone can give, and that unless someone decides to either get out of my way or bow down completely, then that person, regardless of how she may think I will act, will end up on my wrong side, and i will consider her my enemy.
the only reason I am breathing the same air as anyone right now is that there was, and still is, an order that was placed for some elephant tusk, and i was invited to work overnight with the two borthers to try to meet it, and we went to sleep around two, with absolutely nothing in my control, not even what manner of food I put in my mouth, or how much of it I do so, and all this because my system had gone into a deep shock, deeper than even the one I had when allsion showed up with that guy, whoever he is to her, because now i had exposed myself more than even with allsion, where I hid  behind God andsaid it would be nice of He saw to it that I had her [allison].
no, this time I was open about my interest, and pretty much like a sottish person, she took advantage, and THAT hit me between the eyes, and  plunged me as I said into deep ice.

Yet, I weary of all this bullshit, especially as I see every kind of female  crawling out of the wood work, like the st-peters woman, and some crazy white broad who was at charlie's and who would just come and stand around, and act like the seargent major at an army parade, and who showed up yesterday and did the same potting-down-of-her-bag and walking around in my field of vision she normally did in Fish Hoek.
Wonder waht part of 'I have had my fill of women here?' she and them, do not get?
I suppose i MUST start soon killing people, because this being downtrodden is TOO much for me!