So, I have decided to postpone my rage for a bit longer as I delve into one aspect that is the backbone of my whole anger thing, and also the one thing a lot of people seem to ... overlook.
Speech without words.
Now, the thing is, a lot of people, as they grow older, specialise on vocalising their every thought and emotion and forget that they primarily showed their true natures from birth by their...body languages.
So I suppose, for example, Michelle would not be far wrong to say to me she never loved me, when in effect I never listened to her words as she said them, but observed the whole person as she interacted with me and, maybe oblivious to her own self, tried to... ensnare... me so that I would get to deal with the... problem that was uppermost in her mind; that of her daughter, and how to care for her...; which is why I reacted so ...violently... to her, because she was slighting me.
Since I make it a habit never to listen to what anybody may say unless it is backed by coherent body-language to make it all authentic, I was therefore surprised when she told me that I was blaming her for putting my life on hold when she had not given me any room, except for the fact that, one day, under stress, she did say things that made me realise what was uppermost in her mind, and thus cemented my rage against her, because she was determined, regardless of the situation, to make sure I did nothing at all without her being in some kind of control; hence her unique means of trying to torture me when she learned I was looking past her, to a life where she was NOT included.
Now, I am just burning with fury because of what she said, and how she acted, since, if she had not been interested in me at all, she would have been very grateful that I was giving up on her, and just let me go, but no, she had to make sure I was threatened with deportation, and gave out all the facts that would show me as less than the least of all possible people, and as such beneath any pity or need for treatment even in a court of law with any kind of... second glance.
She failed, and became my mortal enemy, as did the actual person who was the instigator of this; her 'boyfriend', butt-head.
Now HE is in for it.
Personally, though, I also reacted to what Nicky? did when she came to 'see' me, how she leaned forward, and that was so clearly unambiguous that even today I see that I would be lying to myself if I did not dig in till I reach rock bottom, or elicit some kind of response from HER about what she meant, because, you see, I am getting more than a bit fed up with not having any kind of response to what I am on about I could just decide to walk away and come back later to kill every single one of them... people with minds who, instead of voicing their own opinions decide to let me go on second-guessing them while they sit, smug in their houses, looking at me like a performing monkey.
Every day I waste means more rage, and more accounting to be done, and frankly, if it had not been for the fact that I came just now and found that no one had seen my posts locally, I would have slammed the door shut, and been ready to move out.
As it is, thoughts of getting my hands up Allison's sexy legs make me... linger, and think twice about trashing everyone when I have a chance to get ten girls as ransom for Michelle's life.
