Knowing as I do that short cuts make long delays, I have decided to take this...companion thing... from the top, from the time I was first... aware... that there is something... unusual about me.
I am neither physically the most imposing person you will see, nor, though ugly, am I too remarkable about it, so I can say that my... projected... appearance has nothing to do much with the physical aspects of my... nature.
One day, some six or seven years back, I was walking in town in Gweru, just for the sake of it, having lost all direction, all purpose, being, as I currently am now to most people, such a failure at everything everybody had stopped holding their breath that there could be anything... productive... to come from me.
I was doing the anonymous wandered thing quite well, too, no one who passed me by looked twice at me... till I bumped into my uncle.
the guy is --was-- some several inches taller than me, and big. I mean HUGE. He was walking with some workmates and strolling into town from the bus company headquarters where they worked [he was a driver] and was, as I said, flanked by two cronies, and well, none of us had any inkling of the other's presence till we both rounded corners and almost, from a distance of about 10 m., bumped into each other.
I was annoyed at having met someone who knew me, but it was his reaction that startled me.
Heard about double take? Well, I swear that if there had been an alternative route, or that his colleagues were not there, the guy would have taken a turn and run off.
He FROZE. Guy is my father's brother, right, and can look over the top of my head, and well, it goes without saying that irreverent though I am, I would have had to treat him with some...modicum... of respect... yet it was HIS action that made me wonder about him.
Question popped into my mind was, "What are you guilty of?" What had he done to me that made him unable to stand anywhere in my proximity?
Of course, I worked that out later:- I hated being at my parents', and so, every cahnce I got I went for a visit elsewhere, tired of life and everything, and so, the guy used to give me certain things that any 'father' would give his son.
turns out that most of the stuff was 'doctored' so that he could get 'muti' to make himself prosperous in these uncertain times... and so, it somehow, should have worked, or seemed to... hey, I am not a poster boy for "How to be the succesful only son of your father", am I?... because I never amounted to much.
hence his feelings of guilt, something I would never have noticed since I was not even worried about what was going on right in front of my own nose, pre-occupied with God as I was, wondering why he would, for instance, when it is a well-known fact that everyone must go to church, worship Christ, and yet He put brakes on me and said, in that very church i was trying to go to so that I could get Him off my back:- I have claimed you for Myself,and so, made it impossible for me to seek a way to channel may energies productively, but just sort of hang back at everything.
That does not take into account the fact that I started getting this weird body heat that I can feel but no one else can, which is a sign, I have grown to realise, of acute stress... so, you can understand why I was not quite... interested... in what waqs happening with an uncle who was fraternising with demons so that he could seemingly get what he thought would make his life complete.
he died a while ago, after a car accident which left him paralysed, and then, when he heard of my failed suicide attempt which left me at Valkenberg... I mean, do you see just how TRYING it is to tie yourself up, use weights and still NOT die... he hung himself, and died, something I am sure the folks back home pin on me... Fuck, it was his choice!
This was, of course, the most significant encounter back home that left me aware of what it was about me that made me blissfully ignorant of people's intentions towards me...a lthough, of course, it should be noted here that, while at the back of my mind I grew up KNOWING my mother wanted me dead, I never paid much attention to it. Before God came near, I was sort of wondering why the fuck people live anyway. I did not get the point, so I used to stay locked up in my head, disappointed with the frivolity of reality, the rigidity of God- worship which meant someone had to sort of kow-tow to a vengeful deity so that he would not kill you or something! Fuck,I thought, rather let me die.
I had no idea, of course, that God had already singled me out from before birth... I am talking thousands of years before, and had made plans specifically FOR me.
I mean, can you beat the fact that, out of the blue, He tells Nebuchadnezzar, king of kings, that a stone would smash all manner of kingdoms and destroy them, and here I come, from the house of stone, and what am I doing? rejecting all manner of reasonable ways out and saying, fuck you all, I must have my own way and destroy all these fools, take their women and do my own thing.
And I lose no sleep over it, because I have no interest in people, just in wondering about God... I mean,would you not be... intrigued that THE AWESOMEST Being has decided to make you His Friend, and you wonder, jokes aside, whether He is... blind.
Or willfully refusing to look at the obvious:- there are millions of people who would love a chance to be in my shoes, and... I am more worried about, OK, what is the...POINT to it all?
And He does not seem to take offense at my lack of reverence, the same GUY Who killed people for looking at Him the wrong way.
Guess my life is the most weird one, yes?
