My life is what one may call an... ipossibility happening, so, it takes a very long time for... reality to catch up with me, what with having to be filtered through all that paranoia, that disbelief, that self-destructive cynicism, and finally, that despair.
It takes a lot of... emphasis for me to get... the point.
Then I go, "Aah", and sometimes forget the need for the whole thing anyway.
And I have to remind myself again why I am on this particular path, and then, when I work it out, try to find out what to do about it all, and what the future will hold with that.
Anyway, the point to all this... this being me sitting here everyday, so to speak, and getting on everyone's nerves and scaring everyone is...I think... so that I may say the words that will open Aladdin's cave and release me from my...captivity... and somehow make me care for something enough to want to remove everyone else from the planet and STOP wanting to trade my life for my mother's.
Now, of course, you see, it is ALL ABOUT WOMEN, because somehow, being aware of my mother's... femininity... I can not find it in myself to just pull the plug and have her die, so that I live.
I can not deal that way with women.
Men I will kill without a second's hesitation, and kill gleefully, but women, I can not.
I know, I am a bully, I can hit women sometimes when she wont leave me alone, and I am trying to shoo her off, but to KILL is something I can not do, and so, of course, this... impasse with God would have lasted a long time but for the fact that He tricked me into asking for women who... needed me, ten women who would make me see that while I live in my own head, I have an effect, sometimes without words, on women such that some literally swoon at my feet on sight, or refuse to let me just walk by, or look so pensively at me as if to say, "You could help me out of this, you know?", at which I have mostly laughed, of course, because my... problems... have tended, for me, to eclispe everything else that I see.
So, I have mentioned the ten, women who, on sight, broke off from their male companions [something that I belatedly realise means that the woman was NOT... involved with the man anyway, otherwise there would have had been a... reckoning... when the two were out of my... vicinity], did things that made me realise that, while I may take nothing deeply to heart, I was an... event of great magnitude... in some women's lives; so great, in fact, that nothing else mattered much compared to that.
Like the ravishing smile, the sweet smile, the hurry of the one at the beach to get better dressed when she saw me coming from about 200m away, the 'whats wrong with me' plea of the girl from Glencairn, the almost complete stop of the one with the cleft chin the moment I waited for her to pass, as if to wonder whether I found her too wrong to turn my back on, the refusal of the other to just let me go when I stared at her and dismissed her as I sat at the terminal, the sweet crooning of the other on the phone, and then, the smile the solemn faced girl with the book "Shopaholic Girl" gave in my direction before turning her back on me to show a sexy, tight ass.
I mean, THIS HAPPENED, AND cynic as I am, I can not deny the evidence of my own senses, and all this AFTER asking God for ten women to enable me to... get an ascendancy... on racist Michelle.
And she can not hold a candle to any single one of the ladies, because they not only are great in the looks department; their grey matter actually WORKS!
Now, that about stupid Michelle aside, I have to say that I have had a killing rage anyway, on certain women, after I worked out that the only one who is REALLY taboo for me is my mother, which means anyone else is fair game.
But I would prefer not to, because these women somtimes are too quick with their words but can not back it up with actions, so I have decided to just... dump... those I have had run-ins with.
I have been greatly tempted to kill Michelle, so I chose instead to have ten women to remind me forever that there was always better out there, and these are, and let me categorically state here that after due consideration, I hve found out that NONE of these women have... attachments [I was being morose and despairing when I came to that conclusion on some of them] and that, if they HAVE kids, then the kids will just have to be left behind, since I am not into the fatherhood thing, nor do I really tolerate this feminine appeal to have me shoulder someone else's burdens.
1) The Dutch girl.When I saw her last, and said I would like to meet with her and her 'friend' after, the guy hesitated, which led me to wonder at the source of his emabarrassment: till I worked out that with everything that had gone on, the guy couldn't possible be romantically involved with the girl, which is why she was curt with him and made a motuion for him to give me the business card, sice she could not understand why he was not doing so.I got that message loud and clear, but I have been prefering to be disillusioned.
2)The french girl, Allison. She first came, let me see the legs, which I admired, and purposefully did NOT put her hand on her skirt to show me that all that was off limits. Even when I saw her last, she was busy smoothing her hair everytime she said something to the other lady, with me behind her, a clear sign she knew where I was.She had rings, yes, but on index finger and one after that. Surely NOT wedding rings!
3) The redhead.Last time I saw HER, she walked straight towards me [day of my blow-up at the rasta's]and she smiled but I was too angry to even acknowledge.
4)The girl with the pram and kid. Had rings yes, but on right hand.
5)The girl at library who came with attitude, then would not let me just brush her off.One time she leans at the library counter, as if to see something about what she owes, and through her glasses I see her eyes clearly... not distorted like prescription lenses. Girl was looking straight at me!
6)Girl at internet cafe. Rather too effusive a greeting dont you think, especially as I was sort of glaring at her, in concentration.
7)Girl at Fish hoek restaurant who stopped chewing her nails and stared at me as though I was father Christmas come early.
the last three have been changed, because I would prefer women I am comfortable with.
1) The final year 2010 psychology student at UCT who became friendly with me at Valkenberg then soothed me in fast Afrikaans when I started tensing at her friendliness
2) The feisty girl on the train who did the book thing and then came and lay on the beach in Simonstown.
3)The girl at Sunny Cove who watched me stare at her and did a double take as though she could not believe HER eyes.
that all said, I must say I am disappointed in butt-head's mom, who ought to have distinguished between being a parent and being a woman.
I would prefer the woman any day.
never in my whole life have I wanted to... bed a woman...on sight.
Pity!
I like that lady!
