Where is MY God?... [later, same day]

So I was a walking wounded person, feeling there was no hope in life, because everywhere I looked there was no room for me to even breathe, to even be me, and everytime I tried to be anything, I would be squeezed dry, and wonder why I was even alive to begin with, because there was NOTHING to look forward to... even now!

Which is why even when God walked into my life I did not look forward to having anything to do with Him, because, do not be fooled, there is too much wrong how we live that when He said, "Be yourself" I was not really eager, since He had just made me... involved.

So, people, things ARE definitely going to have to change, BEFORE I can be anything like I want to be, and THAT is my final word on that!

Later, same dayThis morning, I go into the internet cafe', cafe...fuck!... and of course, this Latino chick pitches in, without any bra... brassiere...again, FUCK!, and she buys her online time, sits on the other end of the room, then, as if aware that my eyes are glazing over her pendulously provocative breasts, she comes and sits on the same side of the row of terminals as I am, and I STARE, feeling my...gonads... start going haywire, and inwardly I am already asking myself...why not? After all, there is not much difference there, right? And we ALL know how easy it is for a black man to nab a Latino, and I am already visualising myself going down THAT road, and then, of course, ending up back home, because I would be after that married chick who gave me what I may term my, 'first cut' and of course, end up KILLING my mother, and then NOTHING will keep me alive, or even interested in life.

If, for example, today, someone were to ask me whether I am...'over' the woman, I would say I really do not know, because right now all I am is horny, and, hey lets face it, none of the women that apparently should keep me from going out of my mind are coming out of the woodwork, conclusively, anyway.

take this other chick who reminded me of Michelle, from up there [about Michelle; she is NOT even attractive, she is manipulative, and I could get out of this white chick thing by killing butt-head, then go back home]...she actually IS a red-head, and so... slide down forwards sexy.

this morning she passes by, not down as usual, and I say, 'fuck that'; there is either a caucus meeting discussing me every day, or I am just paranoid, and THEN, she shows up with this Indian lady, they climb up the 'you are here' steps, and as they get to that DSTV shop, she pauses, and while not really looking at me, she looks my way, and she is talking so fast even me, being so cynical and fed up with the one-way mirror God shows me on life, admit that she is not as interested in what she is saying as she is in ...effect.

there is that thing about the voice, but I am getting fed up with that.

Fuck, what I would not give for just a little sex!Even my life!

 .