Whisch makes me not so... happy at God's statements:
Seek not during the night what you can not find during the day, and seek not during the day what you can not find at night
Do not be dismayed when day turns to darkness, nor rejoice when darkness turns to day, because nothing changes, Judgement day alters nothing.
So, since we are talking consistency here, I was... supposed... to work out what I have been futilely searching for, now, which, while I am in darkness, will still NOT be available when I am in... light, that is, when I am out of...the shadows, and known... totally, as I am.
You know what that is? Simple. I have been looking for someone who could make me... love.
because that is what I had reasoned is the whole point to life.
I was amazed the other time in De Doorns when a fellow Zimbabwean, observing me, said I would never be able to settle down and be... soft... towards a woman, and that pissed me off, because I thought, I have not yet found the right one. As soon as I get that one, then I will be as soft as butter being cut by a hot knife, you will see.
Like Garfield, I thought: I would purr, like a Jaguar, I would purr like a Ferrari.
But life has a way of opening one's eyes to reality, because, lets face it, when I left home, I was just... well... a little angry... but relieved that I was going away from oppression, I would make it on my own and do something... BIG... and no one would laugh at me when I showed them the accolades I heaped.
Little did I know that I was capable of only one thing, really... DESTRUCTION... and that I was, as God said, His...WAR CLUB... and so, I have had to look at myself critically and realise that, since I am not going to ever be able to be either humble or humane, I may as well inhabit my own skin, and get on with it as I see fit.Ok, so I a still looking for the switch to plunge the world into darkness, which event, once it has happened, will be so obvious that no one will want to ask any more stupid questions like, who the fuck does that guy think he is?... et.c.
But, that is NOT the weird bit. The weird bit is me sitting down, thinking that since I have no inhibitions whatsoever, then WHY am I trying to live by guidelines?
I mean, the other day, when I was losing my... focus on life because a source of income had vanished, I start going on and on about Nicky?, about how I would like her in her brother's house et.c., and then, as soon as i settle down a bit, I go, well, I will kill that woman, and just who does she think she is, expecting me to look after her daughter?
But the point is, well, so she DID contribute to my humiliation, but, compared to Michelle, and butt-head, SHE is a saint, because it is a well-known rule of thumb that beautiful women do not normally interfere in people's businesses, since they are too busy fobbing off advances from other guys to bother with another load, yes?
And well, to designate the proper appellation to a garden implement [i.e. call a spade a spade] Michelle is somewhat... lacking... in the looks department, the brains department, and the sex appeal department. Must have been why she startled me so much last year by yelling down at me from the top floor of the hotel and going, "Prince, why did you not come to church?" as i went to the libary and all this wth millions of ears open, like I owed her money or something!
And anyway, the chick only wanted someone with the... prospects... of looking after her kid, and so she made sure that I was made aware of the fact that ... church... meant Sarah, and if I played my cards right, I would... maybe... end up in the unenviable position of being her underling, to whom she would, like a queen bestowing largesse to retain interest... maybe, on special occasions... show her skirts, revolting as the thought is.
Now, honestly, I will say this, never in my life have I encountered anyone I want to spend even LESS time anywere near, than Michelle. She has the record of being the FIRST woman, FIRST person ever, to fill me with revulsion.
I would rather drink poison than be anywhere near her [and since I have, and it tastes bitter, I KNOW what I am talking about]
Which brings me to Nicky? Am I angry with HER? Well, God cheated already so that is a no-brainer, because, way before He showed me who she was, I get this vision of this silver haired woman with her back to the... screen, OK! WTF do I call IT, then?... and beside her was me, whispering something in her ear, and she does a complete turn, from being face away to being face TO the ... screen..., and she was smiling and breathtakingly beautiful, you see.
Funny thing, one moment she is looking away, and the next, without any... cut... in the scene, she is looking towards me, and she does NOT show her profile.
Then I see her in real life, after I say, OK, SHOW her to me, and guess what, as the car turns, she leans forward, and clear as a bel I hear the 'take me' thing, and after THAT, when I ask about just what she is thinking, I get her... nose... thing, and she is wondering if I expect her to teach me how to be civilised, like she has a lot on her plate already.
Now, those are not the actions of a woman who has an... evil... disposition towards me, rather the total message is of one fearing the burden would be too much for her to handle, but... unwilling... she is NOT
So, I have to confront the... motherhood aspect of the woman, and... well... OK, I will make a clean sweep of the whole house, mother, daughters and granddaughter {she HAS to be female, otherwise I would be disappointed in God, Who would have had made a slip up there}, and have butt-head go to Zimbabwe for a taste of his own medicine, and have Nicky and me spend some quality time while i wonder where the goddamn switch IS to plunge the world into darkness.
Think thats reasonable enough. Especially considering that I am not... inclined... towards paedophilia... but would have to wait till said kid is mature enough... maybe twenty... to be of any... interest.
That is four people added to 20, yes?
