this is the deal; I am finding out that I am rather... humane; I found myself apologising to Gerald for my behaviour, and we have become rather friendly, not because I am not aware that in less than nine years he will be dead, but because he, and the other guys have shown me such... humanity... that I can not repay that with unfeeling cruelty. So, I do not know what to do.
Earlier in the day, I was joking with some guy who came to the workshop and I said to him God said, "Not by power nor by might but by My spirit", says the God of War, as i told him one MUST kill, and the phrase started echoing in my mind, that statement God made, that one should not put power out of the equation, nor might, but rather one must take away the spirit, and come on, let us face it, whenever the spirit is involved, the people on whom the spirit is is in lots of trouble with ... everything... like having to drink no wine, no haircuts , always judged, always led to war and rage, always depressed, having to stay in the desert drinking water and eating locusts, and being DRIVEN by the same fucking spirit to do unseemly things.
No,I can not handle THAT.
Fact is, I discovered after my last post that my... voice is an integral part of me, something that can not be distinguished from the me that I am, just as my hand is part of me.
Why am I saying this?
because I found out that what I NEEDED were people who would listen to ME, from the word go.
If you want to know what my greatest grievance is, it is this:- NO ONE ever hears anything I say, what with the blockages I have over everything I attempt. basically, therefore I was asking God for ten women that would ... pay attention to ... me, not the me and holy spirit combo that I was labouring under, some ten people who would 'hear' the hidden me that goes around singing because even now it seems impossible that anbyone can ever pay even the slightest attention to anything I do, someone who is dissociated from all things around me because i feel that I am trying to mould jelly or some such stuff.
So, I am thinking of the Dutch girl, who surprised me when she came behind me, asked me what I was cooking, then turned her back on me, and I was left asking myself if those jeans she wore hid any good-looking legs and just... why the fuck women would not just wear DRESSES for crying out loud!.
next morning she is wearing a skirt that showed her legs, and then I met her later, and put my neck in the noose by asking for a contact email or some such thing when I have to come over that side, and she actually prompted the suddenly frozen guy beside her to give out his email address.
couple that with her soothing response to my grievance that I was 'held up' by a woman, I ... well, think she heard ME, and led me to look at her twice.
then there is the Glencairn Heights girl, whom I ... observed... and concluded that she was better suited showing her body in a dress, but maybe her legs were not the proper quality for her ass, and she stopped and did the what is wrong with me thing of hers? And went away rather unhappy.
Same thing with the other woman on the same day, though HER legs were better than the other's but still she was dressed in jeans. Maybe that is why she also felt rejected and did the cut-across me thing.
When I mentally blazed the girl with the specs over her speech, the other one, the blonde one, apparently took THAT personally, and walked fearfully out of my way, even though I had positioned myself in such a way as to be inconspicuous.
then there is the girl herself, who took SO much notice she literally started cropping up at all the weirdest places, though MY beef with her was that she noticed me and took NO notice of the fact that I take exception to having a woman with a child hound me, especially WITH the child, regarldless of gender.
then there is the smiling blonde woman with her hair cropped in front and combed to cover her forehead, who was so disappointed when I did not smile back at her and engage her in conversation.
then there is the diving woman, whose walking away meant she was frightened of my thoughts. I am NOT so sure about the other woman I called, because NOTHING was hidden about my feelings of rage at nicky? for daring to appeal to me when she had so obviuously wronged me.
Then comes the "shopaholic Girl" who even when she finally allowed me to see her face, did so in a manner that showed she was humiliated, crushed.
then there is the, of course, girl with the cleft chin, whose look at me took in my disapproval of her dressing AND her make-up
Then comes the red-head, whose hunting for approval meant she undid her make-up, took off her ring, and even went around with a sheaf of papers with the title "Neuropsychology" on them.
Well there are ten women there who saw that I had grievances, and each time every single one of them tried to ... adjust... so that I could accept them, or at least tried to win my approval.
You know, I am not so sure what seven and three could mean except that it means I do NOT desire anyone except God, or anything, and actually, silly me, 't-h-s' climbing up in that vision means the holy spirit will NOT have any say in my life anymore, he will hover and have no rest. Not in me. I will take charge of things the way I feel like, and at the moment, what that is, I do not know.
I have seen frenetic activity from faggot-face and from some girl whose mother I used to meet at the library in Simonstown, and they all came around yesterday, but then, since i am NOT interested in any of them; I actually think I would like to try out an experiment:- I will NOT kill them, I will crucify butt-head and faggot-face.
First way, I will put faggot face on a cross, and butt-head on a lone pole, and show that the crosses that people honour so much NOW could NOT have been used to crucify jesus, and i will re-enact the death scene with butt-head as the christ, since both men wanted to be 'heroes' of michelle's.
then i will go away and then come back to kill michelle.
Anyway, as for the five women, frankly, there are none, because whoever wants me, seeks me. i will NOT look for any woman.
And people are still going to die, but I suppose, for their humanity, i will let the crew I work with go stay in Holland, where ganja seems in such abundant supply, and is legalised, somewhat.
OK, NOW I am certain, and feel the heat is on.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
