I am, if the last post is anything to go by, going to end up a 'charity' case, where people I do not like or stand end up having a life with me, because even now, or rather, when I posted that post, I was STILL reading women's minds and empathising, feeling sorry for them and putting myself last, like I have been doing for my mother all the time I was under her thumb.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I have a spinal code so attuned to my least worries that anything that puts me off my stride gets my body boiling... literally.
You can therefore call me a high-wire act, or high strung, or high maintenance; because, let not appearances deceive you, I AM the most intense person you are ever going to meet, since I can not abide having the LEAST thing go wrong.
WTF am I talking about?
Women like Carol, the German sisters, whom I do not find in the least bit attractive, but who, on the former part, at least, I wanted to include because of her sister.The latter? Well... I am shivering like someone poured water on me. Cold water. Disagreeable.
Now, my Father intruded long before this, and He said something that has been gnawing on my mind for a while now; a loose end that I have tried to fit in already into the scheme of things, but failed. So it was still free-floating till I realised what He was talking about;
Like when I was taken out by michelle, and I drew back and observed her as she busied herself with her daughter, and I knew I had not changed, and if I carried on as was, I would end up connecting with her:- my fist with her face, that is.
because she knew absolutely nothing about me, but was already leading the way, suggesting things for me to do and employing the old tried, tested, and all-pervading woman's tactics to get a man to eat out of her hand; at her feet, of course.
So, I drew back, and only gradually found out that God had said long before this that I would do so.
But the other thing He said was starting to feel quite ridiculous; about judgement day changing nothing, so I should not be dismayed or rejoice when darkness turned to light and light to darkness respectively [wow, do you SEE that! I mean, I thought He was speaking figuratively, and yet I gradually plodded on till I realised that the earth had to change its spin so that somewhere there would be darkness while elsewhere there would be light! Well, He KNEW. Well well, well; blow me down with a feather! I know this seems like gloating and in bad taste for me to flaunt His care and concern for ME above that of everyone else, but, what the heck, it is TRUE. I am loved, by the One and Only God. He cares so much for me that I matter more than anything else He has created; that He gave a part of Himself to me, 'dung', so that I would live, and do what I am about to. He has not left me, nor has He drawn back. The least worrisome thing for me matters to Him, and He makes adjustments accordingly. I mean, fuck, I have One who LOVES me. ME. I MATTER! Halleluia!], and so, anyway, I worked it out. Today.
Cant separate the two:-
On one hand I am a person who, because of my past, have a curious reaction to women, and I generally go for fleshy women, as I am rather big, and psychologically women associate flesh with weakness, so the are easier to get, than thin ones. Of course, it could just be I get horny looking at big asses.
There are exceptions, of course, like the girl I dis'ed; the dragon girl, because when she said 'thank you', I did what I normally do NOT do when it comes to women, or people in general; I looked her in the face, and saw her, in detail. I have done that with only a few women, like the one at the beach who showed me her back then faced me, the beautiful girl who did the same at the library; Shopaholic girl; the blonde with the cleft chin, the golden haired lady with the two earings, and the Glencairn heights girl.
OK, and also with butt-head's mom; the way she stood there as I coiled, ready for whatever, and she would not look me in the face and I, in surprise, unwound, checked and took stock of her face, seeking emotions to indicate what she was thinking, and found myself drawn to the red-painted half moon lower lip, and wondered what it would be like to kiss that, shorn of the make-up, of course [I regard make-up, for me, as a woman's way of telling me the door is locked, do not enter... a turn off, if you will], and that was so out-of-context that even now, I am still curious.So she is slim, but she had kids; I think she is... wide ... enough where it matters.Not that I think it will
Anyway, that is the one hand part.
On the OTHER hand, I am a one-man payback machine. I am, for example, a Zimbabwean, who was therefore painted with the same brush when my fellow country-people were killed. So, regardless of others' opinions on the matter, I HAVE to do something, so, the people in Khayelitsha and Harare HAVE to die.
I am a black, which means the racial slurs that I was subjected to, either literally or obliquely, HAVE to be addressed, which means, butt-head HAS to die, as welll as Mr Moto Mia, the faggots and/or Mr Big Ears. I am... ambivalent towards him.
I am Shona, a MALE Shona, from a people regarded as docile and a cowardly, so I have to overturn THAT before I can be free to be me. So, it is time for war
I am a person who was regarded as the least significant thing around, so, I have to deal with THAT as well... you see where I am going with this?
Now, the people of the OSC stand in a curious position; in that [by their silence] they continue to over-see my posts, and mull them over and NOT make their thoughts known to me, making me angrier, more frustrated, more likely to destroy with extremely malicious prejudice; their whole lives.
Which would be EXTREMELY satisfying for me but unlikely to be pleasant for them.
Which reminds me; I could be wrong, of course, but, it may be that on New Year's day the 'presumed' last daughter of butt-head's mom [my eyesight is still poor at a distance] walked down the steps with a girl whom I normally see walk down... and up. hmmm! She is always smiling when she does... did... that, like maybe she is shy or something. Not bad looking also.[Hey, I was forgetting the red-head. Nice one that one. She definitely comes.AND the coloured librarian who is the reason why I stopped going to Simonstown library. What a body!]
NOW, the ONLY thing, as far as I am concerned, that I NEED from a woman, any woman, is sex. Everything else is irrelevant. I need no advice, no help, no teaching in anything; just sex, because as God would put it; EVERYTHING is mine.
waking up realise them no more right than us
searching for the truth and the truth is us
I mean, here I am and I will have to do something I do not like to do just so that the people I have with me, and elsewhere as well, find out the truth, and if I have to work for it, like do hard labour, fuck, I may as well be dead, yes?searching for the truth and the truth is us
so, since God promised me that His burden is light, I will have a load I can at the very least find not so burdensome, a load with benefits, because everything else is unacceptable.
michelle thought I had a conscience. I am a killer, what do I care for her welfare of the fate of countless billions whom I will never like anyway?
they are encroaching my personal space, so they must be eliminated, totally.
There are no two ways about it.
besides, while my own sisters whim I love are excluded for that very reason, that they are my sisters, and they known me... and despised me... what makes anyone think she can get away with it when she is not even as able as they were to warm my heart? Everyone else is a stranger to me, and MY armour is impervious to their darts that seek mercy from my heart. I am a resolute, unrelenting machine, and when I falter, God shows me the way out.
I guess I love him.
As for Nicky? and the visions, well, what can I say? The eye of the needle, the camel, and all that jazz.
Bow down, or be bowled over. I will be coming for you. You have a lot to ANSWER for, little woman, A LOT!
NOt just for when we met, but for your silence. A lot,little one. A lot!
And I have a long memory. And anger. Aimed, in some parts, exclusively at you. You best gear yourself for that!
stay far from the link pon no penny where
stay clear them are link with you anywhere...
[do not get involved in 'worthless causes'
stay clear but they still get you in it]
them want me fir them pon the cause where
never like when things are go my way
stay clear them are link with you anywhere...
[do not get involved in 'worthless causes'
stay clear but they still get you in it]
them want me fir them pon the cause where
never like when things are go my way
Meaning:" they want me when I am doing things for them, but they do not like it when things are going well for me"
