The other time I was distressed when my mother told me when the whole family caught malaria that I did not care if any of them lived or died, and it struck me in my heart, because of course I DID care, did I not?
Well, I do not. Really.
I have been finding out that the "Be yourself" statement that God made was to tell me to stop tyring to live as though what happened to someone else actually made me give a hoot. The only thing I care about is NOT losing, and I hate losing at anything I do that sometimes someone may actually think I care for her, And sometimes, I may think I care, but I do not.
I regard women as things to be had, to be retained, to be ... possessed, and enjoyed when I feel like it, but I do not rate them highly. Well, since the Only One I look up to is God, and He regards me as an equal, I find lesser beings tiresome and bothersome, so I do not have time for them. Or their... problems.
If one of them raises her head [and this is what HAS been happening throughout my life] and makes demands, than she is out the door like a shot. I never change, never mello, and never go beyond what was when we first met. I remember my last 'girlfriend', whom I met, slept with and carried on sleeping with with no words of love being said. I remember being extremely surprised at the surprise I felt when she said something and added words to the effect that she was doing so because she was my girlfriend. It seemes so... logical, yet I was flabbergasted that the woman actually thought of me as her boyfriend when all I wanted from her was just sex. I went into another I-am-wrong downward spiral, and ended up at Valkenberg, wondering why I did not die when in effect I was ruining lives and not ... fitting in.
but I can not fit in.
because no one matters that much to me.
Let me put it this way: someone with me will ALWAYS walk on the knife's edge, no mtter how long she has been with me, no matter how... used... to me she is. The one who makes the least assumption, and relaxes her guard, dies.
Because I will have no one become familiar with me, pout or show me her ass to kiss, because of the frozen resentment I have inside for all women. And consequently, for all people.
So, I am about to do the head count for those I have selected for myself, and those who selected me, an I will include basically everyone that I selected except for those while at the art shop, and why?
Because THEN I was hiding from the fact that I was pissed off at the OSC, and wantyed to find ways to rope in people like Nicky? and not lose them, when in effect these are the people I NEED in my life as much as an extra hand.
Also, I will NOT include some people whom I just saw passing by and never had an interaction with, except those I explicitly described as to time and place, and what happened then.
And NO movie actresses, except the Kruger type person, and maybe Sandra Bullock, and maybe the 'ghost whisperer', the last because of the obvious, the other one because she said, on Speed, whne told relationships built under pressure never last;- 'lets base it on sex, then'.
Of course, I KNOW that she was mouthing other people's words, but, hey, I am literal, so what the heck?
Oh, and I know that there is a fear of... venereal diseases... especially in such circumstances, but ; let us just say that every worry that worries normal people will not worry any one with me.
I am also taking the... prostitute, Anahi Fissori, because she approached me about the one thing I think women are good for, but alas, distance was an inhibition.
Fuck, if anyone thinks I am leaving ANYTHING respectable, then no one is listening, are they?
If girls are beautiful
caught my eye
then I will take them
and keep them
caught my eye
then I will take them
and keep them
There are even some back in Zimbabwe that I have my eye on, but FIRST, let me get... noticed, and remove the one factor that would make anyone too familiar with me.
Father, NOW?
Father, NOW?
