What really matters
THE OSC:
they see me rolling
them hating
patroling
and trying to catch me riding dirty
...
think they'll catch me riding dirty
So I am walking this afternoon to the art-shop from the workshop and it suddenly hits me; I want NOTHING constructive to do with any of the women who form the OSC.
And on the train home... or sort of, since I am not there yet... I worked out why I was struggling so much to let go.
Maybe it was the blonde chick who passed me by, on the platform at Simonstown, with her whole ass laid bare as her mini blew up in the wind and her very brief g-string was almost invisible in the mass of flesh exposed.
Realised that I am, or was, very simply aware that for some reason no one measured up to my high standards, and so, just to get a feel of human flesh on me, I deliberately sold myself short to whosoever was most likely to be less unwilling to give me the scraps of attention.
In short, I allowed women to walk all over me so that I could get to hold one of them in my arms I sold myself short, and was not... me.
So, when I asked for 'ten million dollars' from God, I was basically asking Him for a way to close the door to my despising myself and begin to set up... standards.
I have gone for the longest time of my active sex life without chatting up a girl and without having sex, and while I am at times despairing, I have stopped being so... desperate.
I do not fall for the worthless things anymore, and I am no longer doing what I hate myself for. In short, I like being me, because I am the best friend of The Most High God, and He does not make mistakes, so, when He made me, He made no mistake.
I am more honoured than any person, any creature, and object in all of creation.That should give me reason to rejoice, because all my confidence comes from God, not from my own achievements.
Now, you see why lack of self-worth detracts from me being what He made me be, yes?
Now, here I have some silly fools, sitting down sipping some tea or coffee, deciding that what I say is some... academic... exercise, with no real value whatsoever, that nothing will ever really change, and they go on with their lives, maybe counting the number of times I am visible, and think, ha, he will grow tired and soon he will fold, and we will have our own way.
Wonder how they will feel when I crush every single one of them in between my fingers:- I am becoming stronger each day, phenomenally so, and it is frightening even to me, because some part of me that is observing wonders what I am turning into, and the rest of me walks around looking for targets. I am worried about the horsing around I am getting into with my... colleagues, because almost all my aggressiveness is not just kidding around. My anger is building up slowly like a great ball of heat and lava coming from the bowels of the earth, with no speed to it, but... inevitability. I m boiling up inside, and I will not explode, but rather slowly sweep everything out of the way, or melt it or sink it, but I KNOW nothing will stand before me.
I was thinking a while ago that while I did not want to be like christ, an entertainer, walking on water to impress people, I will have to have mastery over the earth so that I say what I want done, like God and the earth responds, and I realised that that is EXACTLY what God intends. To have dominion I have to have power over everything that is created on this earth, to command and to have it happen, and the earth, knowing its lord, one and only, will have no option but to obey, and so, soon, as soon as that which is bubbling under the surface reaches the ... obvious... stage, I will become the boss. THAT is the reason why I am living like I am in the eye of the hurricane; I am becoming something no one has ever seen before, someone no one will ever see again, and for most, my upraised arm coming down to smash their lives out of hand will be the last thing they ever see, as I snuff the life out of them.
I said before that I would accept ransom for certain people, but I was assuming that God Himself would step in and order the earth to move and the earth to change its form, but NO, everything that happens will be at my command, and so, since everyone owes me their lives anyway, I am under no obligation to spare anyone for any other person's sake. This gives me a lot of relief, because frankly, when it comes, for example, to butt-head, I do not think there does exist a place on earth where he can go to exile where I will not be someday. Or nicky? Or michelle. These will die, and their relations will still have to answer to me, one on one. If they are mad at me, then they die anyway, so, well, heads I win and tails they lose.
I am under no obligation to be merciful, since I will judge each and everyone personally. So, michelle, butthead, nicky? faggot-face, et. al, you will see me again, and then you will each of you become answerable to the lord, the king who does not need your consent to do as he pleases.
Prepare yourselves for the inevitable. I will exact my revenge.Be sure of that!
And on the train home... or sort of, since I am not there yet... I worked out why I was struggling so much to let go.
Maybe it was the blonde chick who passed me by, on the platform at Simonstown, with her whole ass laid bare as her mini blew up in the wind and her very brief g-string was almost invisible in the mass of flesh exposed.
Realised that I am, or was, very simply aware that for some reason no one measured up to my high standards, and so, just to get a feel of human flesh on me, I deliberately sold myself short to whosoever was most likely to be less unwilling to give me the scraps of attention.
In short, I allowed women to walk all over me so that I could get to hold one of them in my arms I sold myself short, and was not... me.
So, when I asked for 'ten million dollars' from God, I was basically asking Him for a way to close the door to my despising myself and begin to set up... standards.
I have gone for the longest time of my active sex life without chatting up a girl and without having sex, and while I am at times despairing, I have stopped being so... desperate.
I do not fall for the worthless things anymore, and I am no longer doing what I hate myself for. In short, I like being me, because I am the best friend of The Most High God, and He does not make mistakes, so, when He made me, He made no mistake.
I am more honoured than any person, any creature, and object in all of creation.That should give me reason to rejoice, because all my confidence comes from God, not from my own achievements.
Now, you see why lack of self-worth detracts from me being what He made me be, yes?
Now, here I have some silly fools, sitting down sipping some tea or coffee, deciding that what I say is some... academic... exercise, with no real value whatsoever, that nothing will ever really change, and they go on with their lives, maybe counting the number of times I am visible, and think, ha, he will grow tired and soon he will fold, and we will have our own way.
Wonder how they will feel when I crush every single one of them in between my fingers:- I am becoming stronger each day, phenomenally so, and it is frightening even to me, because some part of me that is observing wonders what I am turning into, and the rest of me walks around looking for targets. I am worried about the horsing around I am getting into with my... colleagues, because almost all my aggressiveness is not just kidding around. My anger is building up slowly like a great ball of heat and lava coming from the bowels of the earth, with no speed to it, but... inevitability. I m boiling up inside, and I will not explode, but rather slowly sweep everything out of the way, or melt it or sink it, but I KNOW nothing will stand before me.
I was thinking a while ago that while I did not want to be like christ, an entertainer, walking on water to impress people, I will have to have mastery over the earth so that I say what I want done, like God and the earth responds, and I realised that that is EXACTLY what God intends. To have dominion I have to have power over everything that is created on this earth, to command and to have it happen, and the earth, knowing its lord, one and only, will have no option but to obey, and so, soon, as soon as that which is bubbling under the surface reaches the ... obvious... stage, I will become the boss. THAT is the reason why I am living like I am in the eye of the hurricane; I am becoming something no one has ever seen before, someone no one will ever see again, and for most, my upraised arm coming down to smash their lives out of hand will be the last thing they ever see, as I snuff the life out of them.
I said before that I would accept ransom for certain people, but I was assuming that God Himself would step in and order the earth to move and the earth to change its form, but NO, everything that happens will be at my command, and so, since everyone owes me their lives anyway, I am under no obligation to spare anyone for any other person's sake. This gives me a lot of relief, because frankly, when it comes, for example, to butt-head, I do not think there does exist a place on earth where he can go to exile where I will not be someday. Or nicky? Or michelle. These will die, and their relations will still have to answer to me, one on one. If they are mad at me, then they die anyway, so, well, heads I win and tails they lose.
I am under no obligation to be merciful, since I will judge each and everyone personally. So, michelle, butthead, nicky? faggot-face, et. al, you will see me again, and then you will each of you become answerable to the lord, the king who does not need your consent to do as he pleases.
Prepare yourselves for the inevitable. I will exact my revenge.Be sure of that!
