I am sitting by the fire last night, very pissed off because the past two days' walk to and from S/Town has taken its toll, on my legs, and I am wondering why the fuck God, Who says He is my friend, does not reach in and heal me:-
Thing is, I am a black man, right, and that means my legs typically start at the hip and, unlike other races that WORE clothes or rode on horseback or such staff for long periods long ago, do NOT tend away from each other till the knee, but come together, so that when I walk I am crushing my balls, see?
NOW, if I WAS healthy, all i would get are abrasions, which have been the nor for me from younger days, but because I am NOT, what I have are what look like boils, right on either side of my scrotum.
Not that that is painful, no, what IS is the ... residue... from 2009-2010 when I, after being at Valkenberg, and being very low afterwards and returned to humanity;- I got piles. Those sick, butt-knotting things that burst out like a fungus from inside and have never really gone away, and, with me wearing a... warm pair of shorts the other day and walking with it, well... let us just say I understand what unimaginable pain is like. ONE does NOT have to imagine it, it is there, and so, I was, last night, very fucking pissed and pained at my... embarrassing ... situation.
So, I started by being reasonable with God, asking him, since he is YHWH-rapha, to heal me, and it is not a problem, He can do it while I sleep, no worries...
... and then, as I remembered that elijah had to prostrate himself and pray seven times over a promise this same God had made so that He would send rain, I decided, fuck this, and went down the all-toofamiliar path, asking him just WTF, Him, coming into my life uninvited, thought I thought about giving Him an... authority that He does NOT have, since we never saw eye-to-eye on the subject, and NOW He expects me to ask Him for healing? Well, Fuck You, God, i will not bow doen to You or be Your lackey, fucking ...[ah, you can fill in the rest]
The pain did NOt abate, and I ended up having to take some salt, taking off my clothes and rubbing myself on those parts and then sitting by the fire while I discovered a NEW kind of ... sting.
All the while cursing God.
Then, I did what I normally do when I am in complete pain;- I ignored it, and focused on something else. That is EXACTLY right, what you are thinking!
And it was after I had... finished... that God spoke, and- please, I KNOW that it is God Himself, not some imposter, and that means i am either doomed if God is keeping tally, or maybe, really, just maybe, GOD Almighty does NOT behave towards me as He does with anything or anyone else- said that my heart was not in it, and that I had to go a little crazy to survive, the words being from seal's song, 'crazy'.
the words above, the title, also come from that, and it turns out that, after i digested all that, that what I was really... planning all along was that, IF and only IF -hence my going public with all this sordid material- I could find, instead of people who are either interested in using my predicament as leverage to get their own advantages, (like butt-head's mom wanting her son off the hook if she will sacrifice herself;- well, both are DEAD anyway), or people who see this fearsome being that the Voice projects and causes them to fear me but not really care what happens to me;- if I could find people that actualy loved me IN my weakness, and did not despise me, THEN i would do the one thing i have known would be what it takes to remove the sickness that I call my 'insurance policy';- I would remove the source of the illness from myself, and everything would go to its healthy state.
I am not so... trusting... of God doing anything for me; I prefer Him... invisible and not directly involved.
Which is why my expectation was this, that if i could tell all about myself to certain people i found, attractive, and they were willing to taste the bitterness jst so that I would KNOW that I actually matter more than anything else to them, then I would believe that God has not cursed me so much that no one will ever want to be near me, and i will turn away from death, and decide to... live, and maybe, even maybe, stop being so defensive whenever God shows up.
So, God, Who sees me, and tweaks everything I want so that I NEVER, in the process, have to give in to the stupid-'mother' nature of women, (in that they stop thinking as females and start behaving like their own needs are secondary whenever a brat is involved) and so, he foresaw FIVE women, and all of the remainder of the night, naked by the fire and dozing on and off, I worked out who the five women that i would like near me are, and if they agree to that, then -this will hurt everyone else who is not WITH me- I will destroy all of the peoples in the region when i leave so that there will remain no person here while i take over everything else, up there.
Fuck, man, no one is worth me being merciful;- I will depart with mine, and mine ONLY, even if i have to pilot the plane myself;- God NEVER said i was to be an academic to... engineering, but only where people are concerned. The rest i can handle as I please, so i will FLY the plane, fuck it!
But, about the five:-
Well, if she will stop seeing me as a person who is her equal, and ditch her me-too mentality, I find nicky? to be the kind of person that i would not mind having around, since i do not have to, with her face in my mind, try to imagine someone else if I were with her. I have never seen her breasts, but i assume the picture I got is accurate, so, since after the face the breasts, and then the ass, come next, well, i will NOT have to groan, will I? Because I can NOT handle enduring a woman that is NOT all there. That would be hell.
Then there is the Latino, who I have seen almost ... undressed anyway, and... yada-yada!
wonder if she really THINKS of ME, or if she has some agenda of her own, like maybe to put me in my place?
I dropped the arms-crossed blonde, because it seems she was making fun of me, and trying to get my attention so she couls signal to aomeone inside ifg i oggled her, so, fuck that, she goes, but the sexy elderly doughnut woman, fuck, i will have her anyday.
now THESE are women that are reading my posts, but the next two i have to take it by faith, because until I saw the mother running with the same gait as chunky-boy, i would niot have believed that the woman I had secretly come early even in winter to see as she swam and then sat at a bench for more than a year in Fish-Hoek was actually related to the brood. She had a ring, and she never spoke to me, and she has a daughter, who is not as slim as she is, but bulkier, in a take-me-to-bed manner, and, well, fuck, since i have no need for rules, i will take them both. As long as the mom-daughter link is broken
