According to the song, then, from which the lines above are taken, I am... an alien, an illegal alien...!
Well, yesterday, or is it rather last night, or early this morning, for lack of anyting to do, I was playing a soccer game on ... my... phone, and well, thing is, if you want to be recorded as a high scorer, you have to reallay thump the other team, see, and like, score about upeards of fourteen goals per game or so.
For some weirdreason, once I realise that the time for the game to reach an end is near, and I have maybe scored three goals, or so,and I am comfortbly in the lead, I stop trying. To score more.
because it is NOT the cheering of the team I am playing ... as... that lifts me up, but the momentary dejection of the team that I am winning against that gets me down.
i have won, I reason; why put the thing through more misery? Even though I know that the thing does not feel anything.
And, as I was thinking about it as I played the game, God put the very same words above into my mind, and for once, though dejectedly, because I know what that implies, I agreed with God, and saw at once, not why I had concluded His meaning when He told me not to harden my heart the other day, but why... He loves me.
And also why He waited till I told this part of my... psyche, before I could... leave.
See, because I have been hurt before, I tend to be rather aggressive, and rather unrelenting, but, once someone that I have in my crosshairs ... stops... fighting me and does an about turn, AND if that person is someone that I would normally be drawn to, I tend to stop even trying to punish or even hurt the person.
NOT because I value submission, but because the values that many people put on things are contrary to what I see as necessary, and I, unlike you all, do NOT have ulterior agendas or some hidden motives for doing as i do, no, the thing is all i want is to live in peace; I hate fighting people, or anyone, but if push comes to shove, you will NOT find a more inimicable foe than me in ALL creation.
Thing is, i have a question to ask certain, specific people, "Why resist me, why will you die?", because that TIME has come, when they make a decision and, by it, I will formulate phase two of my plan.
Now, if these people do NOT act, then I am personally going to act, and fuck the 'academic' yoke, I WILL kill people, and hurt them really bad, though that is NOT what I am about, despite all my hot words previously, but if they DO act, then what happens is that my... enemies... will just die, without me laying a hand on them, and darkness will descend, here, while I and them wait it out and I wait for the other women to come to me, and then, with obama dead and gone, I will just go to 'my place' in alaska, with the weather changing ... permanently... so that the north will be warmer even than south africa, since i like mild climates and hate the cold, and from there the people that are left alive will only have to suffer my... words... not my arm, although I am, as I will keep on stressing, more than ready to take on anyone or any-many- who dare provoke me, and crush everything to the ground and trample it to the dust.
Now, yesterday, I went to S/Town to get my pliers, see?
As I walked to the junction where there are the first traffic lights at Glencairn, who should drive slowly past and stare at me than the one person that has caused me so much confusion that I have ended up deciding that what God tells me about her is fallacy;- nicky? herself, and all it took was a look at her face, as she looked at me, with , curiously, no expression on her face at all [remember I had said i was going to kill her yesterday?] and she was gone.
Seeing her for the second time in a yeare was vastly different to seeing her the first time, when i had yet, under... pressure... from God, to call someone who would replace her 'friend' michelle as her friend.
because I saw the one woman that I called who came to S/Town beach, and had the bleak look and the direct stare, and I must admit that the woman i had seen the day before, nicky? herself, seemed to me to be too much of a spoilt person to mix with someone like that, someone I would want to... shield and protect from ridicule, since I KNOW how it feels to be trampled on, and not be able to do anything about it.
Well, THAT is the reason I had rejected nicky?, and then after a while said i would take her ONLY if her sister (first) and then her daughter (later) was with her, but this time, I saw a mirror image of the same bleakness that I had seen in the woman at the beach, and I knew I would NEVER, ever, ever, be able to put a load on this woman's shoulders. Provided the said woman chose to step out from her hiding place, totally, and make more than a drive-by for my sake.
That is the woman I want. NOT her mother, hell no! I want waht is easy on the eyes, not some shapeless old hag, who, if it turns out she and her son were really in cahoots all this time, and all her actions were premediated with him, will have the -GOD, can I at least KILL the fool myself? PLEASE? I mean, I KNOW I will not lose any sleep over it, but anyway, OK, [Rolling with the nines] maybe nicky? will be uncomforatble with hands that have shed her own kin's blood holding her?, so, fuck, I will not kill him myself, although both he and the mother, if they werein conference, will die.
Speaking of being myself, there is the real reason why I was told that I should NOT harden my heart, and it was the fact that I saw two women that I liked and who looked so... take-able... and I concluded that God would never let me have these with me because His ways demand sacrifice [just as with allison, who even now I am ambivalent towards, because I do not understand why she had to go and do what she did, show up to piss on me with that guy. I mean, did she actuallu have to say to the fool, come let me and you go and act it up where that fool can see? if so, why then did she show up, again, yesterday, driving around as if my words mean nothing to her or like some insensate fool that refuses to see just how she has angered me!] and women that I can NOT stand, like some of those I scratched from my list some time ago, all of which, unfortunately, HAVE to die, since what I leave will be a clean slate, and no women with any prior history with me!
Anyway, the two women are the sexy elderly lady in her RAV4, and the blonde in Kalk Bay, the studio chick. inkfish girl is totally DEAD. I do NOT find her attractive, at all.
that makes three, right, and then the fourth is, as always the latino chick, but maybe she is involved with chunky boy, or something, so maybe, I do not know.
There are supposed to be five women that I wopuld have with me in order to let michelle 'go' so that she just dies like anyone else,a nd burns,. hopefully, for ever in hell, since i am NOT likely to listen to her pleas even if she cries out to me, but I can NOT see who the last one is,and I know she is someon that I have already known and approved? of, before.
SEXY? of course, but WHO?
