So, is God confused?
NO, I am, or was!
because even last night when God was speaking of me not 'showing up at the bar', He WAS re-enforcing my own decision, my conclusion that I did not really feel happy with women like this.
Women that would always be, for me, on the other side of the fence, enemies, even.
them no real McCoythem just some baby boy
them are talk me nuh have time fi chat boy
gun inna me hand ...
let me put aside for the moment, nicky?, controversial as she is, since there is a woman among the first ten who is there because I THOUGHT, at the time,based on the info that I had then, that I ought to have someone with 'eyes' who would show her the truth, since it had occurred to me that it would be a real... pleasure... for me to get ONE person from that side who would be ... on my side so that I could really unleash my complete fury on the whole crew.
WHY God allowed that, and has never shown anyone as a real... replacement for the woman who went out of her way to make sure i was dumped on and treated as a total idiot and exposed as 'i really am', is something even now I can not understand, and why I can not let her go, especially after seeing her this last time, is a mystery to me as well, because I do not really KNOW her, see? I have theories, and a suspicion that this woman ... may be... [i mean, I have seen more of her mother prancing around even at her workm, and playing so much interference i have started to think that she may be even more miserable than I was 'at home', and it is this thread of sympathy that keeps me wanting to find out more] ... unhappy, and makes me ... tend... to want to withdraw her from that side, but, on the other hand, I am still aware that I would kill her if she ever took anything about me for... granted. like that first time.
But the other sister and the other one I have absolutely NO feeling for, and I am really rather desperate that I have women that would, or are currently, aware of me and want to have something with me.
because my heart would be sore if I have to have bitterness included in my life, and that with women that I do NOT want with me.
I have been quite thoroughly scanning all my past for women that may have seemed to have been aware of me and who would have wanted to be with me and who are eye-pleasing as well as NOT from the same womb as nicky? and the two I come up with are STILL connected with her, and the one actually came out when I... threatened... the women, the Latino woman, but she has question marks because if she was involved with the chunky Boy, then as I am going to kill him [look at how casually death has become like a shadow of my speech's tread;- I am seriously over the edge, and need either serious treatment, or to be unleashed, finally] I would have to find out if the woman herself was intimate with the guy, which to me is a serious dis:- looking at the man with NO sense of humour, with women, towards the convention allowed them to flirt or bat their eyelids to someone and say it was just a game;- fuck, I have lived under my mother's shadow, and I hate ALL pretense from women, and even the slightest indiscretion, the slightest deviation from the total, sincere truth, is to me, punishable with death.
pretend with me and you court death.
NOW that is the real reason why I have 'carte blanche' with God, because I will NOT allow anyone female to ever yank the lion's tail. Do so and die, period.
before, when I thought about revenge as the answer I found out that the ... participants... would tend to make me unhappy as well, because they got an inflated sense of their own importance, and the people i was trying to gain revenge on also carried on their own lives as though unaware of what i was on about.
SO, since i am... free... to do as I wish, I will take a part of each ... group, have my revenge on the fools that dissed me, as well as bring the puffed up fools down to earth about their... value, so that I can have complete superiority over them all.
the third person would be the kimono girl. Fuck, you can read about her somewhere in my blogs, just go to the search box.
She is... nice... for revenge, because she is pleasant to look at.
