God, smug, leaves me somehow unsettled...
Maybe the fact that He, unlike His normal unyielding Self, literally gave me the go-ahead and said, "you are the α and the ω " when I said i had had enough, should have warned me, but by then I was way too smug that I just waded in, and carried on.
Of course, i should have known better than to assume that people would start turning out at my behest simply because I said they are free to choose. Or maybe , just maybe, it is the control thing, and God, Who must surely know just how deeply having grown up under my mother has scarred me and made it impossible for me to tolerate a clinging woman, wanted me to let go my need to be in charge and let people be free to ... express themselves... without me blocking them, because, hey frankly, I AM afraid of women.
But, I am probably running ahead of myself here. Let me start at the beginning of this here... revolution.
Last Saturday, as I left the internet cafe in wynberg, is th first time I actually stopped taking the lyrics of the song "Jah Love" as a mere nuisance, because i assumed that God, (Who knew that I had, of course, as I do everytime I am pissed off at things, left things more that a little awkward with sydney, so much so that we are not on speaking terms right now...) wanted me to actually WALK all the way to Kalk bay-I had no money- but then, I could barely walk, so I said so, and He surprised me by replying that He knew that.I did not bother trying to find out then what He REALLY meant, all I KNEW was that it would be ... difficult... to swallow.
So I went on mental shutdown, boarded the train at Wittebome, and it was thankfully stacked - at least 3rd class was- and the carriage i got into , I immediately went to stand at the door opposite, knowing that I need only worry about moving at Steinberg, see?
And my motion disturbed this ... apparent couple, who were standing side by side, with one hand each on the door handles that one is told NEVER to stand against. They made way for me, the girl going to my left and the guy backing into the rails by the seats.I imagine six feet in a closed space, and a face like I am about to have someone for dinner is enough to scare small people into giving way... yes?
Anyway, the ... couple ... was NOT one, and the chick was coloured, small, barely above my waist, but attractive.
Now comes the punchline, and by this I assume that you all can assume that the list is ALREADY done:-
Girl had the faintest wisp of a moustache on her upper lip.Just a few short strands of hair that were no more than 2mm long, as a sort of outline above her lip.
Paula, the coloured chick, the one I spoke about, had whole
... well, like
<=THAT when she had not shaved, and i only discovered that when I had caused her to lose all respect for me, and she had given into her true nature.
It was scary.
And, of course, my immediate reaction to THIS coloured chick in the train was this:=> Fuck, God NO ONE will ever accept that! I think You are putting me in an impossible situation here, because if I say something, the woman will NOT accept it, and if I do not, then things will keep on stagnant, and I am NEVER leaving this blasted place!
But, aside from the song that came to me when I was feeling so low, the following day, where I was assured that only if i let the people make their own choices would things pan out OK, I was not at all sure how to proceed.
the blonde chick helped the following day, by showing up, and making me thing of easier ways to get out of this mess, and then, God did the "Unseen Academicals" thing and then I wrote it down, and so, well, He was showing me that the one I thought was the one was not the one, but even the one I thought was the one when I had disposed of the one I assumed was not teh one was STILL not the one, because that one had, as i finally realised yesterday, apparently read my post on the smiling girl who came here to the library and sat where I ended up sitting yesterday, and she had probably latched on to teh fact that I liked the girl who was pushing her hair back from her face as her head was bowed, and assumed that I was THAT easy and so, decided that she would wear HER own hair loose, and, well, THAT act of hers pissed me off, and she lost her attraction, mainly, for me, but then, I live by following visions, and so, I could not say that the blonde chick was NOT it, even though I had NOT seen her with a child, and all I had to go on to tie her to the younger sister of the coloured girl was the aisle, which, surely, meant... marriage, right?
So, you see where I made the mistake.
Anyway, before I stop, I will also say that these others made their own choices, as well; the seem seema girl [by the way, I assume that everyone knows Beenie man's hit song which began
Of course, i should have known better than to assume that people would start turning out at my behest simply because I said they are free to choose. Or maybe , just maybe, it is the control thing, and God, Who must surely know just how deeply having grown up under my mother has scarred me and made it impossible for me to tolerate a clinging woman, wanted me to let go my need to be in charge and let people be free to ... express themselves... without me blocking them, because, hey frankly, I AM afraid of women.
But, I am probably running ahead of myself here. Let me start at the beginning of this here... revolution.
Last Saturday, as I left the internet cafe in wynberg, is th first time I actually stopped taking the lyrics of the song "Jah Love" as a mere nuisance, because i assumed that God, (Who knew that I had, of course, as I do everytime I am pissed off at things, left things more that a little awkward with sydney, so much so that we are not on speaking terms right now...) wanted me to actually WALK all the way to Kalk bay-I had no money- but then, I could barely walk, so I said so, and He surprised me by replying that He knew that.I did not bother trying to find out then what He REALLY meant, all I KNEW was that it would be ... difficult... to swallow.
So I went on mental shutdown, boarded the train at Wittebome, and it was thankfully stacked - at least 3rd class was- and the carriage i got into , I immediately went to stand at the door opposite, knowing that I need only worry about moving at Steinberg, see?
And my motion disturbed this ... apparent couple, who were standing side by side, with one hand each on the door handles that one is told NEVER to stand against. They made way for me, the girl going to my left and the guy backing into the rails by the seats.I imagine six feet in a closed space, and a face like I am about to have someone for dinner is enough to scare small people into giving way... yes?
Anyway, the ... couple ... was NOT one, and the chick was coloured, small, barely above my waist, but attractive.
Now comes the punchline, and by this I assume that you all can assume that the list is ALREADY done:-
Girl had the faintest wisp of a moustache on her upper lip.Just a few short strands of hair that were no more than 2mm long, as a sort of outline above her lip.
Paula, the coloured chick, the one I spoke about, had whole
... well, like
<=THAT when she had not shaved, and i only discovered that when I had caused her to lose all respect for me, and she had given into her true nature.
It was scary.
And, of course, my immediate reaction to THIS coloured chick in the train was this:=> Fuck, God NO ONE will ever accept that! I think You are putting me in an impossible situation here, because if I say something, the woman will NOT accept it, and if I do not, then things will keep on stagnant, and I am NEVER leaving this blasted place!
But, aside from the song that came to me when I was feeling so low, the following day, where I was assured that only if i let the people make their own choices would things pan out OK, I was not at all sure how to proceed.
the blonde chick helped the following day, by showing up, and making me thing of easier ways to get out of this mess, and then, God did the "Unseen Academicals" thing and then I wrote it down, and so, well, He was showing me that the one I thought was the one was not the one, but even the one I thought was the one when I had disposed of the one I assumed was not teh one was STILL not the one, because that one had, as i finally realised yesterday, apparently read my post on the smiling girl who came here to the library and sat where I ended up sitting yesterday, and she had probably latched on to teh fact that I liked the girl who was pushing her hair back from her face as her head was bowed, and assumed that I was THAT easy and so, decided that she would wear HER own hair loose, and, well, THAT act of hers pissed me off, and she lost her attraction, mainly, for me, but then, I live by following visions, and so, I could not say that the blonde chick was NOT it, even though I had NOT seen her with a child, and all I had to go on to tie her to the younger sister of the coloured girl was the aisle, which, surely, meant... marriage, right?
So, you see where I made the mistake.
Anyway, before I stop, I will also say that these others made their own choices, as well; the seem seema girl [by the way, I assume that everyone knows Beenie man's hit song which began
seem seema
who got the keys to my beemer
beemer is a BMW, which can be said to stand for
be my wife/woman
eh, that is where i took it from, and the fact that she
also 'seemed' to look like
nicole kidman]
who got the keys to my beemer
beemer is a BMW, which can be said to stand for
be my wife/woman
eh, that is where i took it from, and the fact that she
also 'seemed' to look like
nicole kidman]
Then, of course, there was the other girl who as I said came to the library, and the two friends, and now, mother and daughter, and the mother did show up yesterday as i sat with my back to the computers, reading a Star Wars book, and when I stood, put the book down, and turned, she was standing on the other side of the computer bank, and the look in her face was nothing to do with come to church;- it was the sdame lustful look that I locked on to with other women.
guess she doesn't want any more holiness!
guess she doesn't want any more holiness!
