Just past the Clovelly junction, the words of the song 'Numb" by linkin park come to me:-
cant you see that you are smothering Me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
coz everything that you thought I would be
has fallen apart
right in front of you...
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
coz everything that you thought I would be
has fallen apart
right in front of you...
And so, of course, I am like, WTF?
I go to sleep, which I have been actually managing for about a couple of hours or so at a stretch since two days ago, and when i wake up, I am sorted out, because I have HAD to choose, and the choice is what will show why, up till now, I have done NOTHING.
Here is the deal:- after the first... girlfriend that I ... had, after the one where God ended up stepping in, with the cross dread for the girl, and with the yoke vision, for me, and even, later, calling me a dragonfly for not wanting to let go, (just as a dragonfly, born in the water but growing up and living in the air, can not stop hovering over the water as if to go back in [fuck, is that WHY i have an insane desire to want to suck pussy? many rasta songs sing about it, and the words are usually, 'bad man no suck pussy', and capleton actually says, 'bad man no fuck butty, and him no suck too much pussy?', but fuck, I like it, and I have read enough erotic books to know that women seem to ... like it... too]) I developed a pattern where I would select women that have shown me that they have contempt for me, and combine ... sex... with the... fist, and all that beacuse i wanted to... justify... my anger against them, when in effect i was at the point where I wondered just WTF God was up to. I mean, I break up with the girl, try everything I can think of to... die... and do not, and He says He has added 15 years to my life, and says NOTHING, YHWH-rapha [the One Who Covers/Heals] about making me... right, and so, I think, fuck, I may as well just carry on, see?
then I break up with the... last one, end up at Valkernberg, because as Dr Fisher, the resident pyschiatrist at Victoria hospital says, I had tried an extremely dire means of offing myself [yeah, right, should have used 50kg dumbbells, dumbass, insteasd of a single 20kg one as anchor:- treacherous neck of mine lapped it all up easy] I MUST be monitored, so Ok, I end up there,whichis where I see the psychiatrist chick, and without even ... thinking... about it, start issuing commands, which she apparently obeys, and shushes me with a crooning Afrikaans voice as I become rather... unsettled, at her friendliness.
And so on till I end up at happy valley home, and then, when i try to go after another woman that had ... seemed... nice to me, God intervenes again, about me... 'bearing' her for ten years [yeah, rub it in, I am going to be dead in ten years, I think], and then after that, he goes, "september 18:- independence day", and so it turns out that when I am now sitting, with michelle, at the salty sea dog, after she had taken me out, completely done with the ... need... to mix love and hate, I look at michelle as she is trying to direct everything from her daughter to me, and I conclude that she will be the ONE person that I will straight away kill without ever holding her in my arms and all that bullshit, because i saw through her, and I wanted her dead.
God, of course was the problem. For the past three, or just about, years, He has loomed larger than life in everything I do, and so, well, who can blame me for trying, at first, to go underhanded and try to get michelle in my hands without revealing my true intent.
THE subterfuge and confusion that arose because I did NOT understand what was in His mind IS the reason why I did nothing, and THAT is the source of 'the cloud that does not bear water' which is why He has been stressing that I need to change FIRST
BUT He has been showing me people that have made it easy to just let some other people that were 'grey areas' become, like michelle, classified as true enemies, and i first found taht out when it came to the sexy come-and-get-me mother of two who showed up the monday after allison 'put me in my place' the previous Friday, and was even better to look at and had no hearing impediment.
When I later saw her with her ex, I was distraught, and I almost gave up on everything, because THEN I discovered that I had a heart, and it mattered what THIS woman thought of me. But God had already shown me the texas ranger vision, way back when, and THAT strengthened me into believeing thet she was 'sorting herself out', and while I saw her faults, I found that she was too good to be mixed with allison, hence my... gradual... descent, into hatred for allison:- same as with the inkfish girl, and finally, butt-head's mom, all of whom I made up my mind to... kill, myself, personally.
So, yesterday, when I had concluded that God meant me to NOT do any woman any harm, but take compensation for her using other women, and I felt the rage so raw in my heart that the silly bitch who is the COMPLETE reason i am still here will just get a slap on thw wrist, fuck, i was... upset.
Which prompted that 'comment' from god about me smothering Him, because what i wanted was plain to both Him and me, and he had put me in a position where I would ask myself whether i would chance losing five gorgeous women so that I could be 'fair' or whether I showed what i wanted and put a demarcation line between me and my enemies and so decided to take what i wanted [provided that what I wanted wanted me too, of course, and wouldnt make the mistake of assuming i was a lenient pushover ;- make your own conclusions;- if someone HAS pissed me off, that person had better make right the thing or stay away; when i 'claim' someone I do NOT do so blindly; i KNOW just how... permissive... I am, and that is NOT at all] and so, in conclusion, I ave to conclude that I conclusively WILL be killing women that have made themselves my enemies.
CONCLUSIVELY
Then, of course, there is the OTHER thing, which I stumbled on yesterday when I got my hands on the false bay Echo, and read that obama was, at one time, not evn 10km away from me as the crow flies, in that he went to some hiv place in masiphumelele, and that the double rotary wing choppers, called chinooks, which I saw that sunday, were in effect HIS.
Well, so, it is official, he DID walk out of his way to piss me off.
hiv?
Site 5? and he just happens to leave one there so that there could be photo opportunities? What does he take me for, an idiot? Well, I will deal with him personally as well, because he came out of hiding, and when he does see me, he will see, not an hiv+ve man, but the most powerful, most fearsome, vengeful being he will ever encounter! AS a WHOLE man, completely healthy!
yessss
I go to sleep, which I have been actually managing for about a couple of hours or so at a stretch since two days ago, and when i wake up, I am sorted out, because I have HAD to choose, and the choice is what will show why, up till now, I have done NOTHING.
Here is the deal:- after the first... girlfriend that I ... had, after the one where God ended up stepping in, with the cross dread for the girl, and with the yoke vision, for me, and even, later, calling me a dragonfly for not wanting to let go, (just as a dragonfly, born in the water but growing up and living in the air, can not stop hovering over the water as if to go back in [fuck, is that WHY i have an insane desire to want to suck pussy? many rasta songs sing about it, and the words are usually, 'bad man no suck pussy', and capleton actually says, 'bad man no fuck butty, and him no suck too much pussy?', but fuck, I like it, and I have read enough erotic books to know that women seem to ... like it... too]) I developed a pattern where I would select women that have shown me that they have contempt for me, and combine ... sex... with the... fist, and all that beacuse i wanted to... justify... my anger against them, when in effect i was at the point where I wondered just WTF God was up to. I mean, I break up with the girl, try everything I can think of to... die... and do not, and He says He has added 15 years to my life, and says NOTHING, YHWH-rapha [the One Who Covers/Heals] about making me... right, and so, I think, fuck, I may as well just carry on, see?
then I break up with the... last one, end up at Valkernberg, because as Dr Fisher, the resident pyschiatrist at Victoria hospital says, I had tried an extremely dire means of offing myself [yeah, right, should have used 50kg dumbbells, dumbass, insteasd of a single 20kg one as anchor:- treacherous neck of mine lapped it all up easy] I MUST be monitored, so Ok, I end up there,whichis where I see the psychiatrist chick, and without even ... thinking... about it, start issuing commands, which she apparently obeys, and shushes me with a crooning Afrikaans voice as I become rather... unsettled, at her friendliness.
And so on till I end up at happy valley home, and then, when i try to go after another woman that had ... seemed... nice to me, God intervenes again, about me... 'bearing' her for ten years [yeah, rub it in, I am going to be dead in ten years, I think], and then after that, he goes, "september 18:- independence day", and so it turns out that when I am now sitting, with michelle, at the salty sea dog, after she had taken me out, completely done with the ... need... to mix love and hate, I look at michelle as she is trying to direct everything from her daughter to me, and I conclude that she will be the ONE person that I will straight away kill without ever holding her in my arms and all that bullshit, because i saw through her, and I wanted her dead.
God, of course was the problem. For the past three, or just about, years, He has loomed larger than life in everything I do, and so, well, who can blame me for trying, at first, to go underhanded and try to get michelle in my hands without revealing my true intent.
THE subterfuge and confusion that arose because I did NOT understand what was in His mind IS the reason why I did nothing, and THAT is the source of 'the cloud that does not bear water' which is why He has been stressing that I need to change FIRST
BUT He has been showing me people that have made it easy to just let some other people that were 'grey areas' become, like michelle, classified as true enemies, and i first found taht out when it came to the sexy come-and-get-me mother of two who showed up the monday after allison 'put me in my place' the previous Friday, and was even better to look at and had no hearing impediment.
When I later saw her with her ex, I was distraught, and I almost gave up on everything, because THEN I discovered that I had a heart, and it mattered what THIS woman thought of me. But God had already shown me the texas ranger vision, way back when, and THAT strengthened me into believeing thet she was 'sorting herself out', and while I saw her faults, I found that she was too good to be mixed with allison, hence my... gradual... descent, into hatred for allison:- same as with the inkfish girl, and finally, butt-head's mom, all of whom I made up my mind to... kill, myself, personally.
So, yesterday, when I had concluded that God meant me to NOT do any woman any harm, but take compensation for her using other women, and I felt the rage so raw in my heart that the silly bitch who is the COMPLETE reason i am still here will just get a slap on thw wrist, fuck, i was... upset.
Which prompted that 'comment' from god about me smothering Him, because what i wanted was plain to both Him and me, and he had put me in a position where I would ask myself whether i would chance losing five gorgeous women so that I could be 'fair' or whether I showed what i wanted and put a demarcation line between me and my enemies and so decided to take what i wanted [provided that what I wanted wanted me too, of course, and wouldnt make the mistake of assuming i was a lenient pushover ;- make your own conclusions;- if someone HAS pissed me off, that person had better make right the thing or stay away; when i 'claim' someone I do NOT do so blindly; i KNOW just how... permissive... I am, and that is NOT at all] and so, in conclusion, I ave to conclude that I conclusively WILL be killing women that have made themselves my enemies.
CONCLUSIVELY
Then, of course, there is the OTHER thing, which I stumbled on yesterday when I got my hands on the false bay Echo, and read that obama was, at one time, not evn 10km away from me as the crow flies, in that he went to some hiv place in masiphumelele, and that the double rotary wing choppers, called chinooks, which I saw that sunday, were in effect HIS.
Well, so, it is official, he DID walk out of his way to piss me off.
hiv?
Site 5? and he just happens to leave one there so that there could be photo opportunities? What does he take me for, an idiot? Well, I will deal with him personally as well, because he came out of hiding, and when he does see me, he will see, not an hiv+ve man, but the most powerful, most fearsome, vengeful being he will ever encounter! AS a WHOLE man, completely healthy!
yessss
Oh, and by the way, since I will be gone from the planet; those that burn in hell will do so... for ever!
