Glum, or any such word, fails utterly to convey the... seething... rage I have inside, and so much so am I bound by this ... inability to not only convey my feelings but to do anything about it that I feel I am about to explode.
I woke up in the middle of the night, and said, straight out, to God, that He is basically full of shit. He sits there, pontificating, uninvolved and coming in with 'wise' remarks, and 'words of comfort', and I am in all this mess because of HIM.
I said that it is maybe a good thing for His... plans... that he is inaccessible, because if He were to show up near me He WOULD have to kill me. because I would try my best to kill HIM, or whatever.
I told Him that all His actions in my life I regard as... pathetic, and everytime I ask Him, the cause of my being here at all, to shift off His ass and do SOMETHING about the messes he continuously flings me into, He just side-steps and ... says something.
I told Him I hate Him, and that is unchanging. I hate Him, and He sits so smug and secure, letting me deal with His bullshit.
He keeps me alive, and will not let me do anything, and He binds me up with words and then sits back and watches, and I HATE that, simply because there was NO agreement to begin with, about anything.
So, I have turned a prejudiced eye against Him, and He wants to wave away all my complaints by saying that 'my yoke is as academic to the fish', meaning I am supposed to just ... talk... and people who have ears should hear.
Well, fuck that.
I DO NOT BELIEVE any of this bullshit that he keeps lumping up on me. He says 'no weapon forged against you will prosper', and yet Obama, the shithead who waits until he is certain that I will get no ... vote... from women hoping to 'join' me [see my post from History 111:destiny, where I said there would be only 25], and then has the facebook crew pull the plug on my account, and I stand there, hyperventilating, and asking myself when this... humiliation will end.
And now, the year is almost up to a close, and i am still here, in RSA, and obama is alive and kicking, and God got me out of my parents' house with the stupid ass promise; ' I have prepared a place for you, says the president of Turkey', and yet, here I am, stranded in a plce I absolutely abhor, and going nowhere slowly!
Fuck it, I HATE this, and I hate Him for His deception... because all He has wanted has been to get me involved.
Even now, He has his invidious claws in me, tugging me towards action, towards not 'being a sinner', and I have to laugh at His antics.
Because, you see, last night He showed me ' the source', of the cloud that does not bear water. Like, what makes me... different.
And I said to Him, 'fuck YOU'.
But, anyway, this is the deal:
Alittle bible history:- God makes man and woman, and then tells them not to eat from the tree of the 'knowledge' of good and evil, and yet, when they do, what happens? the two, the man who walked loud and proud with his dick out for all to see, and the woman with her vulva... fuck... suddenly, both realise they are... naked, and cover themselves from each other.
they become ... considerate... of each other's feelings, and so, a 'social' consience is formed.
to put it bluntly, both the man and the woman become 'earthly souls'.
Which means that when a person is born, the person has NO soul, but only acquires one through interaction with others of his/her species, and by having consideration of their NEEDS also, as well as his/hers.
But my... LOVING Father... decided from the onset that, unlike everyone else, i would have none of that, but would have a 'companion, my own soul' who is, literally, a copy of God's own... unique soul.
This is my... helper, while I am... the MIND, the one who can not ... forget wrongs, rights, or first impressions; the person who builds up everything based on... 'how did we start this? How did we meet?' and so, from there work out if one is a friend or foe.
Like what He has been on at me about for the whole weekend, till I said, 'Fuck that, she uses ganja [marijuana], and she is NOT even interested in me! So leave it alone, and leave me alone, because You have been one BIG mouth and short on action! Pathetic, Pathetic, is what You are!'
Of course, this is girl number 24, whom I bumped into thrice as she came to see the rasta I used to work with, who has, as a side business, the trade in weed, whose point I really do not see.
Well, the first thing about her was the... smile. She is a slim girl, who looks sharp, and does not have that 'drug dependancy' oozing out of her very pores; I think she is more into the ganja for the thrill of doing something illegal, but anyway, she had a nice smile, and I like what I saw when I walked up to the shop and there she was asking if rasta had arrived.
Then she shows up with a boyfriend, and they are going to Pretoria, and she is disappointed there is nothing, and then finally she shows up again and she is leaving for Gordon's Bay, where they will be staying, and I am relieved because she was causing serious internal combustion as far as I am concerned.
So, that was many weeks ago, but then, over the weekend, when I am telling God that all this about me being anything is bullshit, and I am getting ready to just chuck everything out the window, he tells me, "I will send the prophet Elijah before the gret and dreadful day of The Lord, and he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers, or I will smite the earth with a curse", and so I at first am laughing because there are NO fathers that I am turning to any children, when He brings up the issue of this girl, and the fact that I KNOW what is wrong and I could help, and that if I cared, because He and I both know that when a person makes an impact on me, I NEVER forget, and so, everyday, that sense of having something missing will remain, unless I act on it, and here I am, thinking, OK, well, I could just throw it all away, serve Him right for putting me in this situation, forcing me... and my... soul (whatever) to care for people and become a ... father... to these women who have NO idea what I am, but who, each, has made an impact so I can not just walk away, because of my sticky... memory.
then I think of Allison, and her sexy legs, and the way she turned to face me, or the girl from Glencairn heights, who seemed so distraught at the thought I had rejected her, and I ask myself if I can be so... callous.
because while it is true that the soul that sins will die, and sin is nothing more than pretending that you are something you are not, it follows that I can no more pretend that these women have not meant somthing to me, and so, for their sake I am calling out to the earth to give me my due, and thus show these, the ones who dwell in darkness, their... fathers.
I can not keep on running, nor, for that matter can I pretend that I will be a surrogate father to anyone's kid. I do not roll like that.
Fuck it, release the power, let everyone KNOW that the Lord of the earth is here, and bring me my... children.
How did I get here? And to think I thought I would never care!
