Today is Sunday, and by my calculations, the sun should have ceased to be visible from this side of the equator by yesterday.
So, of course, I am pissed off, and wanted God to tell me EXACTLY What the fuck was NOT happening!
And the thing is, I would have said to you all I have an answer, but I do not.
I KNOW that somehow, the whole thing revolves around me, and the reason is simple, she is less than [my] shoulder high and blonde and nowhere near curvy, and fact is, I -- as God pointed out last night when I asked Him why nothing was happening and He said He would not put up with sacrifice... meaning I knew what I wanted but would not say it out loud -- can not imagine going anywhere without that little woman.
Which is a source of great... annoyance... to me, as well, because she happens to be the mother of a woman I would rather die than have anywhere near me, and while i can justify having the son sent away if she comes along, I can not quite so easily justify having the daughter... and OTHER daughters... absent from her.
Of course, I feel set up, because on one hand God is busy with His visions, and I am adamant that nicky? will have no life with me, and on the other hand the mother is driving up and down cooling my ruffled temper, and on the other hand[ many hands there] i can not ignore the fact that in that vision of the thing, the outspread wings were over Noah's ark, the rock that is local, so whichever women make up the five I just stick to myself, they have to be local.
Ok, so there is the mother, nicky?, the sister with the ass, and let us say there is another daughter, to make it all four, and then there is of course, Allison, thankfully... that makes five, yes?
Fuck, THAT is crazy. I hate nicky? BUT she has a daughter, so maybe that makes her a bit more attractive, because I would rather have the mother with less of a hassle with me than she would otherwise have if I left her daughters for some asshole to take and stuff.
Lets be real.
these women are NOT going to fall for this, because I think God has finally tripped.
He should just let me do as i see fit and stop holding my hand and let me depart with NONE of these bothersome women!
Anyway, there are ten women already, right?
this is beginning to look like I am being led by a woman, listening to her whims and being directed by her. Maybe He should just give me a skirt and give butt-head's mom the crown and have everyone acknowledge that all I am is a sycophant:-
let her lead, then! Do not see what He needs me for!
Bullshit!
That is what I say to all that!
I hate this, God, I hate this.
I have no idea just what You are up to, but somehow, I have a feeling that You are leading me where I do not want to go. Since when DO YOU give me orders, and since when does my success, good or bad, depend on the state of my heart?
Fuck, if I am NOT interested in something, or am, should that give You license to put a stop to things simply because You have MY best at heart?
Fuck that, I want MY OWN WAY, even if it ends up in heart break for me. I want to be more than just a person being led by things I am not sure of.
You gave me 15 years of life, so let ME live it.
Let me make MY mistakes and regret my own decisions, and let me find MY own way through it all.
Do not forget that I have lost all love and respect for You, have even begun to hate You more than a little, and if I have less than nine years to discover myself, let it NOT be with YOU doing the directing of things.
Under You I have tried repeatedly to kill myself, and You have put a stop to that, but come on lets face it, where You are concerned, I can not exactly say that I am moved by feelings of love and appreciation, right?
You are an enigma to me, someOne I am yet to be comfortable with, and I want to find out for MYSELF where you fit in, and I can NEVER do that with YOU in control. No, God, I need my space, space for the coming days.
Because if at the end of it all, I still have not learnt to appreciate You, then I may as well die.
I do not want that... hating You that is, so PLEASE back off and STOP having the final say.
Let go, God, and let me have MY say, or today, this instant, let me die.
I will not carry on a single day more with You in charge.
NOW, if God agrees [either that or He kills me], then I get to plunge this world into darkness NOW, and no one has anything to say about it.
NO ONE.
ok, can I put MY favourite song there, now?
YES< chat them are chat, yap them are yap, but gully side we are action pak!
me no ... wear frock.
