OK, so, this is MY take on the entire situation:-
One, I have always assumed that God was, since His unheralded appearance, intent only on having His way and making sure that I buckeled under, and... obeyed ...Him, regardless of the fact that there was no... pact... between us, and , the way things are, will NEVER be one.
I am NOT His servant, but always have, since he made me aware of Him, rather , at best, skeptical of His motives, and at other, normal times, openly an enemy of His, doing everything i could to make sure that he got no more of a foothold in my life than necessary.
BUT, this fixation with God has made me less aware of my own... personality, and it takes a loooong time for me to actually acknowledge that I have certain things that I want, and it is actually when I STOP being such a glaring antagonist of God's that I find that I actually AM something totally ... different from any other living person.
For ONE thing, I really do hate people, in every shape, form and size, and I despise the customs that govern people, and, well, THAT is well known, right?
For another thing, I am totally in despair when it comes to... life, because I always wonder just how possible it would be to get to... enjoy life, as myself, if, for example, the only branch of the human species that I find ... use... for gets, every time one focuses one's attention on it; so full of hot air it could literally power up the Lindenberg and fly it around the world.
AND I HATE EVERYONE.
I have seen women that I have been... involved with... from the beginning, when I decided to make a stand, like with the first 'girlfriend' when I defied my parents, or this coloured chick when I defied the last guy to be called my employer, the drug lord; fuck, the started literally asking themselves what made them so special, when in effect it was NEVER about them, just about me getting my toes stubbed and fighting back. And refusing to let whet I considered as... mine... to be treated lightly.
But the women were never mine to begin with, were they? because of course, they all had their own motives; the coloured chick - and this is the funny bit- is a woman who when she is concerned that people may cotton onto the fact that she is- was, even before I met her- HIV +ve {fuck, 98% of the people in Capricorn ARE that way, as a survey cnducted on ... adults... confirmed} and so, to stave off attention, she gets herself pregnant by a working kwiri-kwiri {foreigner}, and then, when pregnant, she goes to look for work so that once she is delivered of her kids, she can claim work as an excuse for NOT breast feeding, and whether she is on suppliments; I never bothered to find out, because, as i mentioned before, I was on a mission, to get out of God's grasp, and she offered the perfect chance for me to get so mired in the depths of despair that I would give up, because I KNEW that the only way I could REALLY die, God or anyone esle NOT withstanding, is if I could get to the point where I could say, fervently, and sincerely, "I quit, cant take anymore", and as to how i KNEW that, even way back when when I had no idea that I was... uniquely protected... is something that even now buffles me. I just did, OK?
Just as it turns out that I tend, when I am really flustered, to be able, for very short, selfish periods of time, to ... bend people to my will, to do as I please even if they are not interested, not deep down.
Which brings me to point number Two:
Two:- This may surprise anyone, but I have... through painful experience, discovered that it is the easiest thing in the world to get myself to enjoy the ONE thing that I basically think women are good for IF I let a woman make up her own mind about me and make her decision about whether she thinks I am worth being around -although, of course, it has to be ON MY TERMS, since I can not stand some silly bitch running around thinking she is special when all that keps her alive is an interesting... figure - and then I... TAKE over, and she gets the satisfaction of knowing that she is there because, and ONLY because she wants to be there, not because I think she is something ... special, because after even a little while, even the most... interesting... person gets to be boring for me, since my argument is that no one currently ... alive... is worth anything.
Not MUCH anyway.
And, anyway, the reason why I will tend to look at certain people is not so much their looks but their bahaviour as far as I am concerned.
yesterday, I spoke of the interesting full-figured woman in her Toyota RAV4, but what I did NOT say was that she got in, joined the traffic jam, and was stationary for about twenty minutes, and I was already putting her out of my mind, except that, when a guy came with a nice jacket, was seling it for R30/R40, and I had no money, and after holding it wistfully for a while, I surrenderd it to one of the guys who are re-painting the whole building where the Olympia cafe is, and I happened to look down the road (I was now on the other side of the road, right outside the 'deli' [they do not call it a cafe] and the woman sat with her back pressed against the seat, and, from her psoture, I knew that she had to have her hands palm upwards on her lap, a typical white woman's getsure when things are completely out of her hands, and it was THEN that I kinew that she was not just a do-gooder but something else, and I allowed myself the luxury of dreaming of what I would do to her if she ever came my way, under her own steam, and I liked it.
Then there is the other one, the stunning one. Well, maybe she may NOT be regarded as slim by other white women, or by herlself since she wears black, tight clothes, but I saw her around for a few days, and was looking for the sneer that would come if she glanced my way; that would free me to leave her alone, and what I got instead was her coming and standing in front of me, on the other side of the walkway outside the deli, and walking around as if to direct something the guys spraying the wall overhead were doing, and then she would make signals to someone inside, the deli and would end up looking at me, but with a sideways glance, as if to see if I was... noticing... anything. Well, she looks nice, and has this nice looking ass and all, and I was a bit hesitant about her because shehas this jaw that speaks of a temper, and I hate provocation, but well...
Then there is the other blonde chick who SEEMED to be somebody at the deli, because she and some guy came over to the other side of the road where I was to look over the building with a drawing /painting of the original buliding, and... ah, well, more later.
