God, when I ask Him why I am still here, sends the riposte, "tell them the source of the cloud that does not bear water", and THEN, yesterday, before dawn, he tells me about not hardening of the heart if "I" hear His Voice.
And all this time, I assumed that I was to put myself on the back burner and just start blabbing about stuff, when in effect He was saying all along that He is starting with ME, not THEM.
So, there, he had ... shown me, but NOT ... provided... twenty one females that I would be confident of having with me once i got off my ass, but that is where the clincher is, see, HOW do I get off my ass?
Now, I am going to get rather... dirty, in people's eyes, but, see, the POINT of all that God has been doing has been to let ME know that the ONLY person, the ONLY being, who He cares about, is ME.
Now, for a depressed black man in a world where god has largely been acting in the other hemisphere, that WAS a lot to take in, and it was, as you may have seen, a bit of a huge swallow to accept that He gave me, seriously, no bullshit, a piece of Himself, andf made me like Him, and has all this time been doing for me, in the real world, the things that I secretly wanted, but NOT to the full, like women that were better than those that had walked into my path and made me rather... upset... because they, and I [when i thought that that was what He expected me to think, since He had, after all, overpower3ed me and taken over my life] assumed that I must have women to look at and run after, or chase, when in effect, as I have been discovering, what it will take for me to become the undisputed lord of everything are women that I would literally, if i did NOT have them near me...masturbate over... but, since he is involved, AND masturbation is in effect a sign saying that I see women but there is no connection, there is some kind of disappointment, they look down on me; well, since He is involved, then it actually comes to the point that I not only look at a certain woman and lust after her, but she herself would have been seeking a way to get my attention so that qwe can both do the thing I would relly like to do to these women;- get laid, and THIS time without having to have to reach behind her thighs and grasp myself so that i can stimulate an erection since the woman is... NOT ... quite up to scratch, and I have to imagine her as someone else.
Obviously THAT kind of life is NOT conducive to ... total reliance on God in this world.
SO, FIRST would have to be women that would -and this is kinda difficult because I STILL am not... healthy- KNOWING my status and my... STORY, incredible as it is, desire me and want to get me and them into bed, while I myself would find them incredibly attractive, without those 'buts' like no ass, no figure, no sex appeal, and would immediately want to heve them, and have them for about maybe a couple of weeks while God is busy sending darkness so that when I DO act, fully loaded and operating at 1000% capacity as compared to mere strong mortals like you all, I will not be ... embarrassed.
Tall order? Not really, because God had been showing me women in kalk bay that had me going, "I will pretend I did not see her", or "There must be some other innocent explanation to all this", or "OK, God, lets stop this torture and just move on, and I can leave", when in effect i saw these and all I wanted was to feel her/them, and undress her/them, and stop worrying about having to keep on putting pressure on ugly michelle because she is accessible since she is... ill... and knows my status, like the others in the osc, when in effect they all have as much sex appeal as a load of manure, except maybe for nicky? and the latino chick [fuck,i still remember hearing her telling of her dog 'pedro'? for barking at me, and then launching into a torrent of spanish, and heck, man, that voice of hers is enough to have me undress her, but THEN, see, she probably wants to... talk... and be friends, and i will probably have to kill her since she probably is involved with that chunky-boy and this insulted me like the rest of them did, seeking to throw crumbs my way while they gave the goodies to others.
Which means, regardless of how one looks at it, I will get to kill the women who had ulterior motives other than mere, simple, uncomplicated lust when the approached me, and, of course, that makes me wonder about nicky? herself, seeing more to the point, as how the women that I relly would like in my life, to have and... have... and drool over, are in effect, only, at present, three, not the five needed to get me to release my grip on Mrs Palm and her five daughters, who keep me too busy to BE busy.And which brings me to HER daughter, since , being me, I WOULD kill her one day if she came alone, big ask as that is, as I can NOT see a woman, any woman, unless she really is fed up with basically everything, running after a person who most likely will kill her entire family, either personally or by... default, as I leave.
Now, where was I?
Three women.
I will start with the eye-opener, who showed up tuesday after noon.
Now, I was standing across the road from Olympia cafe, and me and sydnety had just had a rare lunch of bread and Zimbabbwe's own Mazoe orange crush, and the ... debris was still strewn across the road. I was leaning against the rails that separate the pavement from the car park, when this ... lady... walked up to her car, and my first thought was that the woman was ... too... talkative, as she greeted the parking attended, adreadlocked congolese fellow, with the words that she ahd had to ask ----? inside for change to give the guy, and so had so little to give him.
her car was a 3-door RAV4, parked by the sidewalk, not the mini-park, and she then stood by the rear door, gave me a quick look over -I must have been a not very re-assuring sight, I first thought- and then brightly asked, again a little bit too breatlessly, I thought, if i wanted a doughnut, as she had just bought some and they were still fresh. I thought, yeah, one of those be-kind-to-the-poor-do-gooders, but then, FOOD is FOOD, so I said yes, and she reached into the back and brought out a paper-pizza like pack of the doughnuts, gave me one and another to the congolese, and then she said to me she would not give me her dog though, which was all of 16 years, and then she got into her car.
I had been staring at her ass, and for the life of me, I have never actually felt so ... horny at the sight of anyone as of this elderly female, with her skirt and, of course, her blond hair. I seem to get easily aroused by blonde women, maybe it is because they are so... interesting to look at.
SO< I tried to ignore that.
But then, there is this OTHER woman and I am not sure about the ring, because I MUST have seen it when she had her arms akimbo, so it could be that it is on the other hand, not the left, but she is easily the most stunning slim blonde lady I have ever encountered, and she likes black, although yesterday she was wearing a top with stripes under her black jacket.
then there is one who works in olympia, another blond
