God, as usual, has happened, and I am rather... unable to carry on... lying... when He does.
Later on, I am back in S/Town nd i get evidence of what God meant when He said. "I see you My friend", and that is so when I have to go to Fish Hoek library, and as i walk past the Glencairn junction, I run nto this delicious looking girl, with her golden hair, who, in broad daylight, decides to stop, and then go, eloquently, with her hands, "what is wrong with me" before walking off with her shoulders slumped, as if in deep despair.
It all sounds a little crazy to me, but a few minutes later, I am seeing another woman with golden hair, and she acts as if oblivious to the fact that I am drinking her in, and then she, as i do my thing, and then walk away, cuts right in front of me, as if to... restrain me, and I look at her, surprised, but then I walk away, and the following day, Saturday 26 may, I , outside the library, by the traffic testing place, stop and wait for this other woman with startling white hair, to pass, and the look she gives me is as if she has seen a... ghost..., and my smile freezes on my face...
So on my weird life goes till there are ten women that have acted completely weird with me, and I did not have a single word to say to any of them, like the one who was polite to her mom, soothing me; the Shopaholic Girl, with her indirect smile and funny behaviour, the one with the incredible waist line, and her 'how is visibility?' speech as she walks away from me in a funny gait; the girl who came as per my specs, who had this brilliant hair, the day after i had the unhappiness of seeing nicky? lean towards me with her brother by her side;the woman with the warm smile and blue eyes who made me fel like i was impersanating someone else when she smiled at me as i was being cheesed off at the impolite little loudmouth that came and stood by me as i waited for the library to open; the girl who observed me kicking a dog and trying to get the blonde kimono-clad chicks attention, and still smiled as i turned my attention to her, and left me feeling that she knew exactly what i was thinking; and the girl from S/town, on the train, who sat there and waited to see if it was really hER i was looking at as being better than the married, preening Glencairn station woman.
Then there were others, les obvious, like the psychiatrist chick, with her red hair; the Dutch girl; the girl on the train with her face bearing evidence of acne;the girl with the incredible hips who pocked her stick into the tent i was staying in;the smiling girl who stood a few feet away from me and fixed a ravishing smile on the library door, and then there was, finally, the german girl who came seeking me out, and mad it possible for me to realise that butt-head's mom was not personally intrested in me, but that she was looking for any means, and any sacrifice, to offer so i could let go my anger against butt-head.
Which is why i left S/town.
but as for the females grown ones, there were still coming, like the one at the beach with her interesting legs who walked so i could see everything at leisure, and then the girl with the employment thing, who made it possible for me to see allison's mind and reject her; the sexy blonde chick; and finally, the twentieth woman with her bland face and sexy body.
SO, what did God, who saw me, see?
Well, it is rather plain, is it not? I am an ugly man, and anyone who looks at me, from the side, like i used to in a mirror, gets a... shock... because what my face loks like is NOT a pleasant sight, from the side.
The ONLY type of woman that I would have any kind of peace with is oner that satisfied two things, one of them being so unusual herself in appearance that she empathses at first glance, as each of these women did, and the oTHER being an awareness of the fact that ALL my anger is based on the fact that I am always aware of my appearance, and really would like to avoid being in the spotlight, which is not always possible... or judged by my appearance. the women are all, even the girl, people that have so much deep down sadness in themselves they somehow come and shelter under my arms.
Guess the whole poiunt to all tis is that i have been ooking for woemn that I could protect, women that I could shield from life by provinding an alternative.
But God says there are five, and since I am NOT his servant, and I have seen women that I ... have identified this sadness in, I would say that these are probably the ones, provided they are willing to let go the... grievous things that anger me:-- the married chick:- she DID appeal to me, was it empty?
-the girl nicky?;- alone.
-the sexy elderly lady
-the red cheeked s/town chick
