Somehow, that resonated with me, because I KNEW I was angry, but not at WHO I was angry:- the memories of my childhood were so completely suppressed back then I would not even look at them; I did not want to KNOW why I was so furious.
Anytime I got angry, I somehow blocked off my ensuing actions and would therefore be surprised as to how come people did not get friendly with me, why they always seemed to back off as though there was a barrier that none could cross.
That day, in that church, wearing flip flops, and miserable to the core, I broke down and wept, because I could not say a single word, not to myself, nor to God.I was unhappy, miserable and did not know at what or at who, and all I knew was that there was a wrongness that made a heart to heart with God impossible, and I could not explain that to anyone, not even to myself, because, well, what could I say?
God, I hate my mother and everyone I see, shall I have the power to set them all alight?
I would like THAT, of course, but would God listen, or would He call me a fool and urge me to 'love my neighbour' and be at peace with all.
There is NOW, as I know, NO ONE who is 'near' my heart, because I was and have alkways been, fenced in by my... helper... and have no knowledge nor inclination thereof, of what ... closeness... to a person is.
I am alone, with myself, and when God used that scripture to sort of prod me into the journey of self-discovery that has had me make many false turns till the truth itself would hit me on the head, He made me see just how i was a person to whom ... fellow suffering... and humanity meant NOTHING.
And also point out that I am in the RIGHT.
Last Saturday, I issued forth a ... command... that the darkness begin.
Would it not have been great if all of a sudden everything turned pitch black all at once?
But God did not begin His work like that.
He said first that light should come, and then the following five days he added gradually till he came to His... point;- the creation of man; A man.
Six days, all in all, and I MUST say I have a point in all this, and daily I will ... add... till by THIS coming Saturday, instead of light, there will be great... darkness... that covers lots of places.
After that, the GRIM REAPER goes a-harvesting!
Wonder if butt-head and faggot-face are reading this, and wonder if they know just how little time they have to live, or if people are aware of just how... deadly the next days are going to be.
I wait with great anticipation for the crux of the whole matter to present itself.
Aint no sunshine, when the dark man comes out!
